I feel like a lot has happened since Mother’s Day. For starters, my body responded poorly to meds this time around (Cycle #30) and it was frustrating. I guess I was just thinking that things were going to go as smoothly as they did the previous cycle but they did the opposite. On my CD8 u/s, I had 5 follies that were around 10-11mm and then on CD10, they were EXACTLY the same. No growth at all. I had to go back in CD12 and only one had grown to 16mm. I had one more u/s on CD14 and finally I had one that was a 22mm. (By the way, I felt like a freakin’ pin cushion with all the b/w I had to do.) My lining stayed exactly at 9mm the entire time. That’s not normal for me. I guess I learned that every cycle is different, no matter if I do the same protocol or not. I did 12 days of Menopur and only got 1 egg out of it. I can’t help but think that I could have done that on my own but I guess this way we know exactly when to bd (bd stands for “baby dancing” i.e. SEX.).

During those all those ultrasounds, I started getting UTI like symptoms (I actually thought I was developing an allergy to the u/s gel). Well, mostly I just felt like I needed to pee all the time. My RE did a culture of my urine and couldn’t find an infection. That was almost 2 weeks ago and I still can’t shake the feelings and it’s getting worse (burning when I go now) when I thought it might have been getting better. I had a kidney stone attack exactly a week ago so it made me think that my bladder issues were caused by my kidneys but I don’t see how this couldn’t be an infection! Since I’m in Minnesota and can’t get to see my regular doc, I’m waiting for the urgent care to open so I can take care of this. The last thing I need is for the infection to travel to my kidneys or something. No thank you.

I can take a pg test in about a week but in all honesty, I think this cycle was a waste of time. Can’t hurt to try I guess.

I’ll let ya’ll know what happens…

*sigh* Mother's Day

I’ve had some pretty bad days in my life. (Haven’t we all?) Sunday was one to add to my collection. I had been dreading Mother’s Day for a while so when the actual day came, I was surprised when I was fine and unemotional about it. It wasn’t until church that I completely lost it. Like I said, things started out well but when it was time to greet each other, I was asked if I was a mother yet. I politely said no and the lady said, “You will be one day.” Oh the responses I fought back! I know she didn’t mean anything by it but it instantly brought tears to my eyes. From that point on, Dh did a pretty good job of shielding me from any other questions. I sure love that man. The sermon was great but little did I know that I wasn’t off the hook yet. As we were praying, kids filed out to sing to their moms. SHOOT ME. Don’t get me wrong here. It was precious and sweet and I wouldn’t want anything more for my own Mother’s Day but those of us who desperately want to have children and can't, well, it’s unbelievably painful. (Not to mention that it’s probably painful for those who have lost children or lost mothers. I don’t think I would have ever thought to think about that until going through my own struggles though. Interesting thought.) When they were singing, I thought to myself, “Well, at least they didn’t hand out flowers! But, when they were done, they did exactly that. They handed out flowers to all the mothers and I got one too. I tried my very best to smile and say thank you but I’m not sure if I did. In their defense, they don’t know who is a mom and who isn’t, but I still wanted to crawl under the pews. We were planning on going to the pot luck after church but immediately walking out the doors, the tears started flowing and I couldn’t stop them. I don’t want to give my church a bad name (I love my church!!!) but I don’t think I’ll ever go to church on Mother’s Day again (unless of course, I’m a mother).

I had my baseline u/s today and I was secretly hoping that I had cysts so the cycle wouldn’t continue. (Hey, I had travel plans but uh, if we’re doing a medicated cycle, I kind of have to be attached to Dh for the next two weeks so all of my plans get thrown out the window…) The blood draw hurt like crazy and actually, so did the u/s. All looked normal though and I was cleared for injections. (And yes, I have fluid behind my uterus again…) Our protocol is the same as last time (just hopefully without the kidney stones!!!) with double meds in the beginning and then tapering off by the end.

We’ll see what happens.

Confused:

I’m not pregnant. No good way to write it. I took a test this morning and it was negative. The progesterone certainly did a good job with making me feel like I could be though. I have two pills left so I’ll finish them out and hopefully get AF. I’ve got some decisions to make about the next cycle and I’m struggling with what to do.

Meds or no meds? I don’t want to do this anymore but I know it will give us the best chance of conceiving. The problem is that we’re moving in 6 weeks. If I did happen to get pregnant next cycle, I wouldn’t be able to be monitored and that to me is the biggest reason to use an RE. Chances are that it won’t matter, but I still think about it. After we move, the closest RE will be 100 miles away. 100! I should probably get in as many cycles as I can here before I get stuck with that drive. I’m just not sure what to do.

We are now deciding between donor eggs or donor embryos or doing IVF again once we move. All of those options have pros and cons and the decision will not be made lightly but what we’re doing isn’t working. I wish that I could get pregnant like they do in the movies or on a soap opera. Have sex, get pregnant. What a concept!

I take great comfort in these verses: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matt 11: 28-29.

Thank you again to all who follow this blog!!! Your encouragement has kept me going!