The waiting game

I have some very mixed emotions. I'm grateful to be pregnant but I'm scared out of my mind. Nothing really seems to be going in my favor. Or, at least how I imagined it or how I want it. My RE informed me yesterday that they decide how far along I am based on when he did the transfer of the embryos not when he took out the eggs. That puts me 3 days behind where I thought I was. That's good, and that's bad. My number of 197 for my beta blood draw to me was on the low side for being two weeks after the transfer (in my mind I was 17 DPO but in actuality it was supposedly only 14 DPO). That would make my number look better (the higher the better). Anyway, the same goes for both the u/s's I had. I thought I was having one at exactly 5 weeks and then again at 6 but according to my RE I was only 4weeks 4 days and 5 weeks 4 days respectively. We weren't able to see a heartbeat (yes there is only ONE baby, not two) so I go back again next Monday (Jan 4). I'm in waiting HELL. I have VERY bad feelings and bad thoughts and I need to stop it but I can't. I just feel like things should have looked differently at my u/s yesterday even though my RE said things looked "great." Whatever. I can't bring myself to even walk by at the baby isle in Target or read anything pregnancy related. The waiting for a positive (or negative) pregnancy test was easier than this. I know God has it all figured out but this is killing me. I know that He can take this baby any time He wants but that doesn't mean it won't be hard if we go down that path again. I'm 0/2 in this and I'm out of my mind with fear that I will miscarry again.

I've tried my hardest to scan the u/s pictures but our printer won't do it! You'll have to settle for a pic of my preg test instead. :)

Results are in...

I appreciate everyone who is still interested in hearing about my results from the blood test today. I think you all deserve to know. My beta number was 196 at 17DPO. Anything over 10 means pregnancy. Yes, I'm pregnant...and yes, I'm completely FREAKED OUT that it isn't going to last. PLEASE, please don't say anything about this on my Facebook wall. I have a bloody long way to go before things will be OK (when the kid is in my arms I think) but for now, I'm trying to be happy that IVF worked so far. I was supposed to go in for a u/s in exactly one week (Thank you Jesus that I'll be monitored!!!) but can't because we'll be out of town for Christmas. I'll be getting one on Dec. 28th to check that things are growing in the right place (in my uterus and not in my tube) and see how big the gestational sac is. Once we see a heartbeat, I might calm down a little. MIGHT.

You all have been such blessings to me during this journey. Again, I have a VERY long way to go so I'd appreciate no comments on FB...email is OK though.

Shoot, I can't post the pic of one of my many pregnancy tests that I took this week. It's on the other computer...BOOO!

Real Questions:

Why do people have kids? No, really, why do people have kids? Is being a mother/parent all that great? What is the motivation? I mean, I’ve wanted to be a mother for gosh, I think my whole life, but why? I already have two dogs and a ferret that act like children (they barf, poop and pee-most of the time where they are supposed to, demand to be fed, beg, whine, and keep me up at night) yet why then do I want human children when I’m already dealing with three two year olds? From the outside looking in, I see parenthood as one big challenge, putting pressure on time and money, and yet, kids look like they can be the most precious gift in the entire world. Do I just want to love something/someone greater than myself? Is spending all this money on infertility treatments worth it? Can I be satisfied without any children at all? Would I be satisfied with only one child?

To those of you who are mothers and are reading this blog I ask: What made you decide to have children? Is it worth it?

God is so good!

I'm in a state of shock...I had my embryo transfer this morning all I can say is God is so good. All the glory goes to Him! I honestly don't know what was so different from this IVF from the last (other than the immense stress of moving across the country at approx the same time and it happening on accident) but this time my embryos are little fighters!


As Dh and I (Dh took ANOTHER day off and drove me to Tucson and back) walked back to a small room with my RE, the RE didn't say much. His face made me start to panic and a million questions popped in my head. ("What's wrong?" Did all of the embryos die?" "Did they not fertilize?" "If they did live, what is the quality like?") He sat us down and began to explain what happened over the last three days. Of the 23 eggs he got from me, several were immature and couldn't be fertilized. However, 15 DID fertilize and ALL had survived!!! Every one of those embryos made it to 8 cells. (At my last fresh transfer all I got was two 6 celled embryos and one 7 celled out of the 12 fertilized eggs.) My RE specifically said that my egg quality was just fine and the embryos are exactly where they need to be. We then went into a discussion of whether we wanted to put back two or three embryos. I was all for three, but both the RE and Dh weren't. The RE made several very valid points one of which was that the risk of triplets was just too high in his opinion. We went with two. That means that we now have 13 embryos on ice!!!!! My RE was confident that if this fresh cycle didn't work, he would have no problem putting in 3-4 embryos for the next FET cycle. I'm still in shock!!! He then showed us a LIVE picture of our babies! It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.



After the sit down discussion, it was time for the real procedure. It wasn't very painful, only slightly uncomfortable (and I must say, I no longer care that my RE is male. I never thought I'd get to that point!). I watched the u/s screen and saw two babies being put into my uterus. All I can say is WOW. God allowed all 15 babies to live...He protected them and kept them strong. Again, to God all the glory!



Now we wait. I go in for a progesterone blood test on Monday and then have a pregnancy blood test in two weeks to see if the babies settled in. Two weeks...

Here are two of the three babies we transferred today. #3 is now frozen with his brothers and/or sisters for later use:





I went back and looked at the FET picture of our two embryos and man, I can see a HUGE difference in the quality. I'm just so amazed...

2 days Post Retrieval

At the retrieval two days ago, the doc got 23 eggs! That's a bit more than 12. The recovery for that surgery was worse than than I remember it but I'm feeling better today. During the last IVF cycle in Idaho, I remember the doc telling me that they had a hard time putting me under and had to use just enough medication not to kill me but to put me under. This time, the RE failed to do that. I heard and FELT everything. I even had to be restrained because I was squirming so much from the pain. (Shouldn't that have been a clue?? I couldn't talk but I could move!) I'm glad that's over.

We'll also be doing a process called ICSI. I can't remember the technical terms but it's when a single sperm is injected directly into each egg. It's supposed to give us higher odds for pregnancy because hopefully more than just five embryos will survive this time. We'll see tomorrow how well it worked.

I'll be on bed rest for a while after the transfer. I'm supposed to minimize stomach muscle movement as much as possible. I can sit and lie down but not much else.

Dh-I love you. You've been such a blessing to me during all of this. I know you hate the PIO shots (SO DO I!!!!) but you're being such a great sport about all of it. You mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Please pray for my babies.