Defeat

Another day, another doctor appt.  I'm starting to feel slightly defeated, not only about our baby making complications but getting relief from the fibro pain.  I saw my rheumy today and she suggested I see a pain specialist.  She said she's heard of other patients having the same kinds of pain I do with my legs and she said therapy (injectable nerve blocks) can really help.  The problem?  I can't do much of anything if we're trying to have more babies.  Add in all the bureaucratic crap of Tricare and I'm not even sure if I can be seen before we move in June.  I just can't win. 

I have my pre-op on Tuesday and then surgery on the 28th for my endo.  Before, two-ish months ago, I was pretty even keeled about it, not really feeling anything towards going under the knife again.  Now, I'm beginning to get anxiety and wishing I didn't have to go through it again.  I wanted to magically get pregnant with just the help of Clomid last month...oh the thought of not having to go through with taking birth control pills, no surgery, no IUI's or IVF and all that comes with it.  It wasn't to be, of course.  I've started the bcp's and I can't wait to stop.  It just does something to my mind to be taking them while wanting so much to have another child.  I understand the reasoning for taking them, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. 

It's been almost 5 1/2 years since I began seeking help for my infertility.  I'm tired.