Number Six

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”  Job 1:21


I've said that verse over and over lately.  It's so hard to understand why God allows what He does.  I've struggled this past week more than I have in a long time.  You see, I conceived naturally-something that hasn't happened for us since late 2007.  I miscarried then and I'm miscarrying now.  I knew something wasn't quite right the minute I took an hpt.  It wasn't dark enough to make me feel comfortable and I immediately called SAAMC in Texas to see what I should do.  As most of you know, I was scheduled to do IVF later this month but amazingly enough, I got a BFP on my own.  It was quite a shock to see/hear that I was indeed pregnant as the blood beta test proved.  My number wasn't high but it was a good starting point. The problem was my progesterone number.  It was only 4.1.  When I was first pregnant with Skittle, my number was over 200.  I was told to do my progesterone vaginal suppositories twice a day to see if it could help save this baby.  It didn't.  They wanted me to repeat the blood work 48 hours later (pretty standard stuff and I would have requested that if they wouldn't have suggested it in the first place).  We had planned to be on a mini vacation to NC for a couple days so I had to find a lab in NC on a Saturday.  Not an easy task AT ALL.  Actually, it become quite the ordeal and I ended up at a Presbyterian urgent care.  They said they could do the labs and fax them to Texas and even call me with the results 3-4 hours later.  I was very pleased with that....only they never called and come Monday, I learned they hadn't faxed the results either.  Those two days were excruciating, waiting for those results.  I was either praying, or thinking about our baby...a baby I knew we were losing.    


Obviously, we now can't do IVF this month.  I have to wait two weeks to make sure my hcg is back to zero and then get another cavity clearance to make sure everything is gone from my uterus.  More waiting...always waiting.  I'm now on the April/May IVF list.  Pray for us?


This makes pregnancy number six for us.  SIX.  This miscarriage has messed with my head more than any of the others except for my very first one.  I have a lot of questions for God-none of which can be answered right now.  All I know is that I was not meant to do IVF in January and that maybe God was sparing me from something much worse.  He is still good.  He is still just.  He is still loving and gracious.  I'm holding onto His promises to get me through this.


I love you all dearly.