Bruised and Broken:

Psalms 100: 1-5 is repeated in our household almost daily. It has brought us a bit of peace during this exhausting and painful experience.

It is again with heavy hearts that we announce to the world that the transfer didn't work.  I am not pregnant.  We are grieving and hurting but we know that God is ultimately in control.  He sees our pain and hears our cries of heartbreak.  While we don't pretend to understand any of this and the "why's" and anger and tears surface frequently, I have been praying that God would use this situation for His glory and that maybe some good can still come from it somehow.

I did get a positive pregnancy test over the weekend, then it sadly went away.  My body is just saying no for whatever reason.  I've tried not to blame not being able to try Intralipid infusions and I'm trying to not blame my RE. We wanted to adopt embryos, even if this transfer had worked but now we believe that my body will reject any we try to transfer.  Surrogacy is very much on the table but knowing that we will have to start over with IVF is daunting.

I once again thank all of you for the support over the past year.  I have an appt with my RE the beginning of March and we will go from there.

FET #5 Transfer Day

Ahhh, transfer day.  The day that we have been preparing for and counting down to for a very long time. We started this process back in April of 2018 and now, 10 months later, here we are.

The day started with an attempt at acupuncture.  But because my tummy is super bruised from the Lovenox, my acupuncturist wasn't comfortable with sticking me right where the bruising/knots were.  I did end up doing moxibustion (the weird herbal thing on my acupuncture points) and relaxing under the heat lamp with it directly over my tummy.  DH snapped this little gem of me:

I am supposed to try to keep my feet warm as much as possible for the next week.  Warm feet=warm uterus.  I am not to let my bare feet touch the cold ground...hey, I love socks so I'm up for the challenge!

DH and I left right from acupuncture and headed up to Birmingham.  I was to drink 12 oz of water between 10:30-11:30 and I had no problem with that.  I took Valium at 11:45 and headed inside the clinic.  I could already feel my bladder and knew it was going to get uncomfortable fast. The procedure was supposed to be at 12:30 but I didn't get called back until closer to 1pm.   As we were walking down the hall to the surgery center, my nurse asks, "So, how's your bladder?" YEP, I'm good to go in that area!  After DH and I suited up in sterile garb (he's not yet in his in the picture), they wheeled me back and did a u/s to check to make sure my bladder was full enough.

At that point, I asked specifically if our embryo thawed properly.  I got a big YES! And was told that it was 100% re-expanded and was ready to go!

Our day 5 Blastocyst 

My actual RE was the one that did the transfer.  I was a little anxious about that at first but she was on her best behavior today.  She was actually NICE to me and reassuring.  She gave us a picture of our baby and told us, "That's one for the scrapbook!"

Things got a little sticky at one point as the nurse couldn't get the correct angle of my uterus for the u/s so my RE could see the end of the catheter. I warned them my uterus is retroverted and was assured that it wouldn't matter.  Well, it did matter as they had to call in another nurse to find it. So there I was, spread eagle with my RE holding the cath and speculum in place for over 10 minutes waiting to get someone else in there.  Good times.  The second nurse found it the second she tried.

And now, we wait...We wait to see if this baby hatches and implants in my uterus.  I go in on 2/20/19 for a pregnancy (beta) blood test.

I can't thank you all enough for praying for us.  Our hearts are full.

The clinic sent us home with a little bear which we gave to Skittle

These two wanted to be right on top of me as soon as we got home

FET #5 CD 13-3DPO

CD 13 Continued: The IVF coordinator from Birmingham called me and let me know that my estrogen was 184, progesterone was .3 and that I could go ahead and trigger tonight.  For those that don't know, a "trigger shot" is (in this case for me) 10,000 units of hcg that goes deep into my backside muscle.  It is supposed to help me ovulate around 36 hours after injection.  It's used for timing purposes.  I used numbing cream but....DH didn't exactly put the needle in the numbing cream area. So much for that!

I had 12 needle pokes today. 12. That's more than I prefer. Ten were from acupuncture (six in my stomach, with one bringing tears to my eyes it hurt so much, and four in my legs.) plus a blood draw and the trigger shot.  I feel like a pin cushion!

CD 14: First Lovenox injection complete! I was pretty nervous but it didn't hurt as much as I was anticipating (and hurt less than my Ganarelix shots) but I'm sure it'll get much worse as I do them everyday.  I'm going to order myself a medical alert bracelet as it does kind of freak me out that since I'll be on two blood thinners, that if I was to get in an accident that I could bleed to death.  So...I think a bracelet is appropriate.  I start baby (low dose) aspirin and 40mg of Prednisone today too.

I took a home pregnancy test this morning just to see if the trigger shot (hcg) was in my system.  The pink test shows that yes, I do have hcg in my body.  The bottom blue tests are ovulation predictor kits showing negative and then finally positive.

Front of my medical bracelet

Back

CD 15 (Ovulation Day): Lovenox hurt a lot more this morning but the bruising is minimal.  PIO (Progesterone in oil-sesame oil this time) which I started tonight, will be the death of me.  My pharmacy sent 23g needles for injecting and while I appreciate the smallness of them, it takes FOREVER to get all the oil in me.  DH actually had indentation marks on his hand from pushing so hard on the syringe. I'm going to try and warm it up a bit more tomorrow so maybe it'll be a little easier. (side note: for those that don't know, PIO is my worst enemy in all of this. I typically react horribly to it.  I get big itchy welts (like the size of a 50 cent piece!) all over my bum.  Not only does it go deep into a muscle, so I get muscle pain all the next day, the welts are down right miserable too.  I don't usually get the welts until about a week into it so at least I'm ok for now.

CD 16, 1 DPO (Days Past Ovulation): I did fasting blood work this morning.  Blah.  Only three vials but it's still not my favorite thing to do.  Favorite comment of the day: "Dang, your blood sure is cooperating today!" Yeah, that's because I'm on blood thinners! Doesn't take much to make me bleed these days haha.

I go back and forth between, "This could actually work!" to "What were we thinking?! Why are we doing this just to end up with nothing?"

Random thoughts:

*I miss caffeine.
*I don't think I have any side effects with the Prednisone yet.
*My transfer is now moved to Monday (2/11)! And I'm anxious.
*Something interesting is that I don't have tender breasts this time around.  Typically, as soon as I start PIO (or even trigger), I get wicked tender breasts...to the point that I can't even sleep on my stomach.  I haven't encountered that yet.  It does make me wonder if my progesterone levels aren't high enough.

3DPO: PIO SUCKED tonight.  Hardcore sucked. The itchiness is starting and my bruising is quarter sized already.  I took two Benadryl's tonight to try and fend it off. I'm currently sitting on a heating pad.

If you are praying for us, here are some specifics: Will you pray that I will be calm for Monday, transfer day? And that our sweet baby embryo will thaw properly? Pray for the doctor doing the procedure (I'm not sure what doc I will have), and that he/she will have steady hands.  Pray my uterus will not cramp or twitch after the catheter is placed.

It has been a very long road to get to this point. Pray my body is ready to receive this child and that my heart can take whatever it is God has for us. May God's will be done, whatever the outcome.

FET #5 CD 5-13

Journal:

CD 5: Started 5mg of Letrozole.  No issues. No side effects.  (I was on Letrozole for two cycles back in what? Oh gosh, 2007? I didn't have any issues with it then either.)

CD 6: Another day, another fight with my RE about Intralipids. This has turned into WAY more than I ever thought possible.  As a last ditch effort, Dr. B agreed to call my RE directly and see if he can talk some sense into her.  At least I have one doc trying to help me.  I have agreed to let this go, though...once Dr. B tries, I'm giving up.  It's not worth the stress it's causing at this point.   I've done some digging into Intralipids and I see the reasoning for it.  It IS a more holistic/nutritional approach to fighting inflammation (with NO effect on baby) and that's probably why my RE won't agree to it.  She sees no benefit....and that's the way Western medicine seems to go my friends. Dr. B has been looking at the whole picture and DOES see the benefit of lowering the ratio of omega 3's to omega 6's (He published a study on it in fact).  The intralipids seem to help do that, which in turn lowers inflammation that is caused by my endo as well as helps to reduce the miscarriage rate.  I have a video conference with my RE in 2 days but at this point, I'm done pushing.

Current list of supplements:

Multivitamin: Standard stuff with as much non synthetic as I can get
Fish Oil: 3000mg for Omega 3's/DHA (which does NOT smell or taste good)
Myo-Inositol: for blood sugar regulation since I can't take Metformin
Vit C: 500mg-1g a day made from berries (some days I take more...I felt a cold coming on and I upped my dose and BAM, no more cold)
Folate/B12: When I remember to take it. I've heard that isolated B12 can cause a decrease in potassium and I don't want that.
Calcium Pills: (they also contain 400mg of magnesium and trace minerals like Boron and silica) I'm supposed to take 1200mg per day since the Prednisone and Lovenox leech calcium from my bones.   I found a non synthetic form but it's only about 900mg. I'm hoping my body can use it easier since it's algae based and not from rocks-so the lower dose won't matter?
Ginger: 1100mg for lowering inflammation (I do think it helps as the pain in my hand/wrist has gone down significantly since taking it twice a day-I started ginger about 6 months ago)
Brazil Nuts: I eat 2-4 a day for the selenium (It can maybe help with implantation too)
Probiotics: either in pill form or gummies or fermented food/Kombucha.  I like to switch it up.
Whole Food Zinc: immune support
Resveratrol
Acai Berry
L-Arginine
And sometimes a Cayenne pepper capsule to round it all out

I had to write it all out so I remember when to take everything!

I'll start a turmeric/bromelain cap + 81mg of aspirin once I trigger.  (Bromelain can be found in the core of a pineapple.  I REALLY don't like pineapple so I'm taking the pills instead). These are all in addition to the prescription medication/Benedryl for this FET. I take between 25-30 pills a day right now...it's a little much.  I also still try and choke down a wheat grass/green veggie drink but I've eased off on that some. I've been trying to see if I notice any changes since starting that many supplements....my hormonal acne is almost non-existent for the first time ever. That and the reduced wrist pain. Maybe it's helping balance me out a bit?  All I know is that my water intake has increased too...gotta get all those pills down!

CD 7: I graduated from twice a week acupuncture to only once a week! Annnndddddd, I still hate every minute of it.  Hats off to all of you out there that love it.

CD 8: I had a video conference with my local RE today.  I thought it would most likely be pointless and it pretty much was.  I did learn that she thinks our embryo is "excellent quality" and gave us a 70% chance of success-but said but most likely it's really 30-40% based on my history.  She gave a 90% thaw rate and didn't think I'd have lining issues since I never have in the past.  And that was the end of that.  (I never brought up the Intralipids with her as I just couldn't go there again.)

I did call a local functional medicine doc to see if he'd be willing to write the RX for the Intralipids. I was told someone would call me back.  It hasn't happened yet. I have given it to God to figure out.  I've done everything that I can think of to try and make this infusion work.  If He wants it to happen, He will have to make it happen. The end.

CD 9: Last day of Letrozole. Yay! But...my ovaries are not doing anything yet.   And I'm having some odd cycle issues that I've never dealt with before.  It's kind of weirding me out.

CD 10: No changes. I'll be shocked to see a lead follicle on Sunday...I'm feeling nothing. That could mean bad things to come for this FET.  I'm trying not to think too much about it and wait to see Sunday's scan.

I've done quite a bit of reading about the Intralipids and omega 3's.  As of right now I'm eating a decent amount of omega 3's in plant form (nuts, flaxseed, chia seeds) and seafood (salmon and oysters).  I'm hoping that'll be enough.

CD 11: Negative OPK

CD 12: I woke up this morning with slight twinges in my ovaries.  Hummm....Had E2, P4, PTT, and a CBC blood work in Birmingham.  Y'all. Y'ALL. My u/s today showed that I have six growing follicles. S.I.X. The u/s tech asked me, "Do you normally have cysts on your ovaries?" I thought to myself, "Oh no. OH NO." But I said out loud, "No ma'am.  Does it look bad in there?" She then showed me that I have five follicles on my left ovary, four of them tracking together at 14-15mm! (My right had one at 10mm so that one won't count.)  The goal was ONE follicle! Apparently Letrozole and acupuncture agree with me.  My u/s today looked like my IVF cycle after stimming for 8 days.  Amazing. (And now by the end of the day, I feel my old familiar friend, ovulation pain)

Estrogen: 140's
Progesterone: .4
Uterine Lining: 9mm with a "beautiful" triple stripe (I can transfer with anything over .8mm!)

I do have to go back tomorrow morn for a recheck.  They want one follicle at 18mm before triggering.  The nurse was once again a bit passive aggressive about me and this protocol.  Yes, I get it.  This is not a typical protocol and God forbid I do a cycle without synthetic estrogen/birth control/Lupron! She mentioned not once but twice that they don't want me transferring on the weekend...goodness.  All I can do at this point is shake my head.

CD 13: All looks great today! Lining is 11mm now (perfect!) and I have 2 follicles over 20mm! Thank you Jesus! I should trigger tonight, start progesterone on Wednesday and have my transfer on Tuesday (2/12).  The u/s tech bugged out when she saw my follicles which made me giggle! "Wait, you're doing a transfer next week and you're on Letrozole!? Your follicles look great!"

Love you all!  I'll be journaling all through this so I'm sure I'll be updating again soon.