I have a lot of thoughts tonight but I can’t seem to get them all out the way I want to. I guess I’ll try anyway.
My fertility prayers have changed some. Yes, I’m still asking God to give us a child-or that He would change my desires for children- but my heart has been one of thanksgiving. Yes, I have infertility problems and they can cause pain both physically and mentally but I have been so richly blessed in other ways. I do not want to lose sight of that. I have both of my arms and legs, I have my sight and I can hear. We are sitting comfortably with a nice house and nice things. I know people can live a full and happy life without each of those, but I should be praising God for the things I *do* have and not dwell so much on the things (uh, children) that I don’t. It’s a struggle but one I’m working through. I’m not going to lie and say that it’s easy to see people with babies or coach the kids at work. It’s hard. In one class that I teach, four of the five mothers are pregnant. The conversation inevitably goes to babies and their pregnancy symptoms and 9 times out of 10, I get asked if I have children or if I want children. (The kids I work with also ask me those types of things.) Sometimes I can respond easily, other times, it’s all I can do to fight back the tears. Sometimes I’ll say, “Oh, we’ve only been married three years…” Other times, “I hope we can have some in the future.” I know people are just trying to make conversation, or at least trying to make me a PART of the conversation, but I’d rather they didn’t ask anything at all. I certainly don’t want to go around wearing a t-shirt saying, “INFERTILITY SUCKS” but I really, REALLY hate all the questions. It’s a part of life (especially when I’m a part of the military) I get that, but it still stings even after the billionth time I get asked.
I went in for my CD8 u/s and my lining was already between 9-10mm! I also had several follicles around 13-14mm. Remember my last inject cycle? I started out at a 5.5mm on the same CD and had a bunch of 10mm follies. Not the case this time! They had me come back in on CD10 (just two days later!) and my lining was a 13 (the best I’ve ever had!) and I had one follicle at 16mm and another one at 22mm! They were perfectly shaped and perfectly positioned. I got to trigger that night which released both follies. My nurse called me and told me to go ahead and start vaginal progesterone suppositories this time because things looked so promising. Let me just say a word about this type of progesterone. It sucks. I guess from Dh’s view point he isn’t having to shoot me in the bum with an IM needle with thick oil…but I leak. Oh boy do I. It’s SICK. A second negative to being on progesterone is that I *have* to take a pregnancy test in order to stop it. If the pg test is negative, I stop the progesterone and I should get AF 2-3 days later. If I get a positive, I stay on it for 10 more weeks. Yes, weeks. A third negative is that progesterone mimics pregnancy symptoms. I get sore boobs, my temps stay elevated, and I get moody. Of course being on progesterone is worth it but still so very disgusting.
Eight days until I test…
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
What a weekend!
Oh boy has it been a long weekend. Thank goodness it’s Sunday!
I was about to go back to work on Thursday night (one of my lovely split shift days) when I got a nasty pain in my back. I thought maybe I was having muscle issues and tried to shake it off. When it didn’t go away, Dh decided that he should drive me to work since I was hobbling around on one foot. (Putting pressure on my left foot HURT my back!!!) By the time we drove the 20 minutes to work, I was in so much pain, I had to throw myself onto the pavement and vomit. Dh ran inside to find a mom who was also a nurse (and looking back now, we should have just gone straight to the ER…duh!) while I pitifully rocked myself back and forth, trying my best not to puke anymore. (All the while, people were standing right behind me smoking and having a carefree conversation, when someone finally said, “Oh, is she OK?”). We jumped back in the car and headed to the closest hospital. When we got to the ER, it was packed. I couldn’t do anything but lie on the floor, moan, and throw up in the nearest trash can while Dh was getting more upset by the minute because no one would give me a second look. FINALLY, what felt like forever, I was taken back. I wasn’t hooked up to pain meds right away even though I was insisting at that point. I knew I had a kidney stone as this was close to the same pain I had felt before two years ago when I had several kidney stones on my right side. When I explained that I have Medullary Sponge Kidney Disease to every nurse and doc who talked to me, all I got were blank stares. “I’m prone to kidney stones and I’m dying so give me drugs!!” is what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I finally got Demorel and a CT and it confirmed that I had two stones on my left side. No surprise. What was a surprise was that the doc wanted to keep me overnight in the hospital. At first I politely said no thanks, but I’m very glad he convinced me to stay. On Friday morning at 2:30am I began throwing up again. This time things didn’t look “normal” and suspicions were that I had a GI bleed. My kidney had been through a lot and wasn’t healing properly.
I was discharged from the hospital about noon on Friday (without being able to eat or drink a single thing the entire time I was there and it seriously messed me up) and I felt like crap the rest of the day. Dh had to leave town for a wedding so I was left with the two most annoying dogs on the planet. While I love them dearly, I could have killed them. I tried going to work on Saturday but ended up leaving early because I felt so rotten. I couldn’t hold any food or water down! Finally today, I’m able to sit up long enough to write this. I almost put myself back in the hospital last night because I couldn’t even eat crackers without vomiting. Grape juice and Oxycodone have become life savers.
Oh, I guess I should back up another day and say that I passed my baseline u/s on Wednesday!!! My RE finally called me back and I got in right away for blood work and a u/s. I was cleared for injections! I have fluid sitting behind my uterus but I don’t have any cysts!!! I did end up missing my second dose of Menopur being as though I was in the hospital and all and I’m not sure how that is going to affect things. I guess we’ll see at my next appt, TOMORROW.
AND, since Dh was out of town, that meant that *I* had to give MYSELF the injection yesterday. We’ve been doing shots for over a year now and I still haven’t been able to even look at the needle before he gives me the shot. About a month ago, I found a sweet little thing at Wal-Mart called, Alcohol Wipes with Pain Reliever. (Where have you been all my life!? Who ever invented those should win an award…) After rubbing myself with the swab twice, my good friend counted me down on the phone. I wanted to pass out! I was shaking so much that I thought I’d miss my mark! I’ve always just had this thing, you know, about stabbing myself with a pointy object and making myself bleed…just can’t do it. But I did! I didn’t even feel the poke! In the end, I made myself bruise far worse than Dh ever has but now I know I can do it when he’s not around.
One of these days I'll figure out how to post the pictures I took of my medicine box so you all can see it...I find it quite funny. :)
I was about to go back to work on Thursday night (one of my lovely split shift days) when I got a nasty pain in my back. I thought maybe I was having muscle issues and tried to shake it off. When it didn’t go away, Dh decided that he should drive me to work since I was hobbling around on one foot. (Putting pressure on my left foot HURT my back!!!) By the time we drove the 20 minutes to work, I was in so much pain, I had to throw myself onto the pavement and vomit. Dh ran inside to find a mom who was also a nurse (and looking back now, we should have just gone straight to the ER…duh!) while I pitifully rocked myself back and forth, trying my best not to puke anymore. (All the while, people were standing right behind me smoking and having a carefree conversation, when someone finally said, “Oh, is she OK?”). We jumped back in the car and headed to the closest hospital. When we got to the ER, it was packed. I couldn’t do anything but lie on the floor, moan, and throw up in the nearest trash can while Dh was getting more upset by the minute because no one would give me a second look. FINALLY, what felt like forever, I was taken back. I wasn’t hooked up to pain meds right away even though I was insisting at that point. I knew I had a kidney stone as this was close to the same pain I had felt before two years ago when I had several kidney stones on my right side. When I explained that I have Medullary Sponge Kidney Disease to every nurse and doc who talked to me, all I got were blank stares. “I’m prone to kidney stones and I’m dying so give me drugs!!” is what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I finally got Demorel and a CT and it confirmed that I had two stones on my left side. No surprise. What was a surprise was that the doc wanted to keep me overnight in the hospital. At first I politely said no thanks, but I’m very glad he convinced me to stay. On Friday morning at 2:30am I began throwing up again. This time things didn’t look “normal” and suspicions were that I had a GI bleed. My kidney had been through a lot and wasn’t healing properly.
I was discharged from the hospital about noon on Friday (without being able to eat or drink a single thing the entire time I was there and it seriously messed me up) and I felt like crap the rest of the day. Dh had to leave town for a wedding so I was left with the two most annoying dogs on the planet. While I love them dearly, I could have killed them. I tried going to work on Saturday but ended up leaving early because I felt so rotten. I couldn’t hold any food or water down! Finally today, I’m able to sit up long enough to write this. I almost put myself back in the hospital last night because I couldn’t even eat crackers without vomiting. Grape juice and Oxycodone have become life savers.
Oh, I guess I should back up another day and say that I passed my baseline u/s on Wednesday!!! My RE finally called me back and I got in right away for blood work and a u/s. I was cleared for injections! I have fluid sitting behind my uterus but I don’t have any cysts!!! I did end up missing my second dose of Menopur being as though I was in the hospital and all and I’m not sure how that is going to affect things. I guess we’ll see at my next appt, TOMORROW.
AND, since Dh was out of town, that meant that *I* had to give MYSELF the injection yesterday. We’ve been doing shots for over a year now and I still haven’t been able to even look at the needle before he gives me the shot. About a month ago, I found a sweet little thing at Wal-Mart called, Alcohol Wipes with Pain Reliever. (Where have you been all my life!? Who ever invented those should win an award…) After rubbing myself with the swab twice, my good friend counted me down on the phone. I wanted to pass out! I was shaking so much that I thought I’d miss my mark! I’ve always just had this thing, you know, about stabbing myself with a pointy object and making myself bleed…just can’t do it. But I did! I didn’t even feel the poke! In the end, I made myself bruise far worse than Dh ever has but now I know I can do it when he’s not around.
One of these days I'll figure out how to post the pictures I took of my medicine box so you all can see it...I find it quite funny. :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
And once again, I’m not pregnant. Am I surprised? No. Disappointed? Yes. I had hope for the first time in a long time. I did end up taking a pg test on 10DPO and it was negative so I basically wasted a test and should have just waited for my temp to go down. I only had ONE sore boob, two days of low temps and then AF. That’s a classic Angie cycle (only this time with unusually high temps early on.)
I’m really frustrated with my RE here in KS. Actually, I’m just plain irritated. My problems started when I had my first procedure with them. I had to re-do my water u/s (a water u/s is basically when a doc pushes saline into my uterus through a catheter to see if I have any uterine abnormalities and to get a feeling as to where to put the embryos) and I felt as though I was being raped, no joke…even though I’ve never been raped, I bet it would feel just like that. I bled and cried all the way home. Even when I complained of pain and was writhing on the table, the nurse had the audacity to say, “Well, some hurt more than others.” WHAT?!? Did they not see that I was dying!? I didn’t have any problems when the RE did it in Idaho! Anyway, I should have just gone somewhere else but my beautiful embryos were already there and the thought of shipping them to another clinic and then having to re-do my water u/s for a third time made me stay put.
I technically started AF on Easter, called my RE on Monday morning and left a message. I didn’t hear back from them. I called again this morning and they STILL haven’t called. Maybe they are taking the week off or something? Would it be so hard to let me know that though? It’s not the first time they haven’t called back in the timeliest of fashions but come on! I HAVE to schedule my baseline u/s before it’s too late or we’ll have to scrap this cycle too. Well, actually it’s too late now but once again I have this thing called HOPE. I just want to be able to get one more cycle in before we move (and NOT have happen what happened right before the last time we moved). Bring on the injections! Dh actually suggested we do the injections anyway, on our own, but as much as I want children, I don’t want 8 at one time…
I’m really frustrated with my RE here in KS. Actually, I’m just plain irritated. My problems started when I had my first procedure with them. I had to re-do my water u/s (a water u/s is basically when a doc pushes saline into my uterus through a catheter to see if I have any uterine abnormalities and to get a feeling as to where to put the embryos) and I felt as though I was being raped, no joke…even though I’ve never been raped, I bet it would feel just like that. I bled and cried all the way home. Even when I complained of pain and was writhing on the table, the nurse had the audacity to say, “Well, some hurt more than others.” WHAT?!? Did they not see that I was dying!? I didn’t have any problems when the RE did it in Idaho! Anyway, I should have just gone somewhere else but my beautiful embryos were already there and the thought of shipping them to another clinic and then having to re-do my water u/s for a third time made me stay put.
I technically started AF on Easter, called my RE on Monday morning and left a message. I didn’t hear back from them. I called again this morning and they STILL haven’t called. Maybe they are taking the week off or something? Would it be so hard to let me know that though? It’s not the first time they haven’t called back in the timeliest of fashions but come on! I HAVE to schedule my baseline u/s before it’s too late or we’ll have to scrap this cycle too. Well, actually it’s too late now but once again I have this thing called HOPE. I just want to be able to get one more cycle in before we move (and NOT have happen what happened right before the last time we moved). Bring on the injections! Dh actually suggested we do the injections anyway, on our own, but as much as I want children, I don’t want 8 at one time…
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Here’s just a brief update of what’s happened in the last month. Dh and I hit two pretty big milestones the beginning of April. First, it was our third wedding anniversary! (That's the longest either of us has been married! HA!) And next, we officially have been ttc our 1st baby for three years. Since we waited until our wedding night to have sex we decided to not use protection and let God decide when He wanted us to have kids. We sure didn't think it would be over three years! Sometimes the thought of ttc for three years is painful, other times (like right now) it isn’t so bad. Many people try for more than three years and I have to remind myself that I CAN and HAVE gotten pregnant before so I know I can again.
My hormones have finally gotten back to where they need to be with my estrogen moderate and now my progesterone high. YES! I ovulated!!! It happened about two weeks later than “normal” but I’m just happy to see things getting back on track. I *should* (no cysts willing) be starting injections within a week. Well, I have to pass that dreaded baseline u/s as soon as I start AF but I’m feeling confident that I will.
I guess I technically could be pregnant right now. Our timing was really good and my ovulation chart is one of the best I've ever had. Now, in saying that, I've gotten about 20 VERY pretty charts and they didn't result in a pregnancy. I want so badly to have hope that my 1% chance of natural conception did happen, but I'm trying to keep my head and heart firmly on the ground. Earlier in the week I was willing and pleading with myself not to continue taking my bbt because I'm not sure I can take the heartbreak of a bad/low temp. Crazy I know. I could take a pregnancy test tomorrow...will I? I can't bring myself to see another negative so probably not. I'm going to try to hold out for as long as I can or until my temp takes a nose dive.
Oh, I see that I have three followers now! I feel so blessed!!! Thank you!
Until next time…
My hormones have finally gotten back to where they need to be with my estrogen moderate and now my progesterone high. YES! I ovulated!!! It happened about two weeks later than “normal” but I’m just happy to see things getting back on track. I *should* (no cysts willing) be starting injections within a week. Well, I have to pass that dreaded baseline u/s as soon as I start AF but I’m feeling confident that I will.
I guess I technically could be pregnant right now. Our timing was really good and my ovulation chart is one of the best I've ever had. Now, in saying that, I've gotten about 20 VERY pretty charts and they didn't result in a pregnancy. I want so badly to have hope that my 1% chance of natural conception did happen, but I'm trying to keep my head and heart firmly on the ground. Earlier in the week I was willing and pleading with myself not to continue taking my bbt because I'm not sure I can take the heartbreak of a bad/low temp. Crazy I know. I could take a pregnancy test tomorrow...will I? I can't bring myself to see another negative so probably not. I'm going to try to hold out for as long as I can or until my temp takes a nose dive.
Oh, I see that I have three followers now! I feel so blessed!!! Thank you!
Until next time…
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