The waiting game

I have some very mixed emotions. I'm grateful to be pregnant but I'm scared out of my mind. Nothing really seems to be going in my favor. Or, at least how I imagined it or how I want it. My RE informed me yesterday that they decide how far along I am based on when he did the transfer of the embryos not when he took out the eggs. That puts me 3 days behind where I thought I was. That's good, and that's bad. My number of 197 for my beta blood draw to me was on the low side for being two weeks after the transfer (in my mind I was 17 DPO but in actuality it was supposedly only 14 DPO). That would make my number look better (the higher the better). Anyway, the same goes for both the u/s's I had. I thought I was having one at exactly 5 weeks and then again at 6 but according to my RE I was only 4weeks 4 days and 5 weeks 4 days respectively. We weren't able to see a heartbeat (yes there is only ONE baby, not two) so I go back again next Monday (Jan 4). I'm in waiting HELL. I have VERY bad feelings and bad thoughts and I need to stop it but I can't. I just feel like things should have looked differently at my u/s yesterday even though my RE said things looked "great." Whatever. I can't bring myself to even walk by at the baby isle in Target or read anything pregnancy related. The waiting for a positive (or negative) pregnancy test was easier than this. I know God has it all figured out but this is killing me. I know that He can take this baby any time He wants but that doesn't mean it won't be hard if we go down that path again. I'm 0/2 in this and I'm out of my mind with fear that I will miscarry again.

I've tried my hardest to scan the u/s pictures but our printer won't do it! You'll have to settle for a pic of my preg test instead. :)