Sad and mad rolled into one

I don’t even know where to start…

I know my body VERY well. I know my non-pregnancy signs. For example: Anytime I don’t have sore boobs or when only one is sore, I’m not pregnant. When I get sore boobs before 7 DPO, I’m not pregnant. When my temp drops for more than two days in a row, I’m not pregnant. You get the point. For some reason, I do OK with crappy outcomes when I know they are coming. Take this cycle for example. I knew very early on that I wasn’t pregnant. I was actually feeling good about getting on to the next month, starting treatments again and not dwelling on the fact that once again, I wasn’t preggo. And then came my u/s appt today.

I had several “firsts” for my Kansas RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) appt today. 1.) This was my first time to have an appt on a Saturday. 2.) This was my first time ever getting to deal directly with an R.N and not just a tech. 3) This was the first time that I didn’t pass my baseline u/s.

I’m required to do an u/s on CD2 (CD stands for cycle day, by the way) every blasted cycle to make sure my lining is thinning the way it should and to see if my ovaries have returned to their normal size. (Up until now, I’ve always thought that the baseline u/s’s were stupid and a waste of my time and money.) As I was lying on my back with my feet in the stirrups and all, my nurse said, “Wow, your bladder sure is full!” Uh, I had JUST gone to the bathroom…She then says, “Oh, that’s not your bladder, that’s a huge cyst.” More fluid. Tons more fluid in fact. I’m going to explain this the way my nurse did: I was told that I had pushed out 6 eggs out of 6 follicles but that the fluid surrounding my eggs didn’t go anywhere. The cyst on my left side is 48mm across. That’s unheard of! It took up the whole u/s screen! No wonder I was in so much pain!!! It all makes sense. The u/s showed that I have 3 cysts on my right side and 3 on my left (that includes the “bladder” looking one.) Want more sad news? I can’t do any meds this cycle. I have to wait at least a month for the cysts to go away before I can go back to the injections. At the doc’s office, I took the news better than I thought I could but when I got home, I broke down. My mind just goes and goes and I can’t stop it. One more cycle down the drain, and it has just started.

I asked the nurse specifically if we could still ttc (try to conceive) this cycle without meds and she told me that there was a small chance I could still ovulate on my own. Yeah right. What, do you mean that I have only a 1% chance of conceiving vs. my whopping 5% normally? I had 6 stinkin’ targets (uh, I mean eggs) for dh’s boys to hit. Not even ONE fertilized. What’s wrong what that picture!? As I calculated it out, because I have to sit out the next cycle, I will no longer be able to have a child in the year 2009. You’re probably thinking that I shouldn’t think about that or be so negative, right? I HAVE to be realistic and to be realistic means that I’m just not thinking happy, fluffy thoughts anymore. God doesn't have to allow us to have biological children. He doesn't even have to allow us to have any children at all. I'm tired of hearing that it will one day happen. It may not and I'm praying and asking God to help me deal with that real yet sad fact. While I desperately want it to, God has His own timing and agenda for our family. I’m tired of getting my hopes up every cycle only to have it crash in around me. It’s easier just to think that it won’t happen because chances are…that it won’t.

Wow, it sure does help to vent...

Temps gone wild!

This is my 27th cycle that I’ve charted/recorded (that number is without miscarriages and the FET time). Now, I don’t take my bbt (basil body temperature) every cycle and to be honest, it’s been 8 months since I’ve been consistent with it. When I do temp, I usually start on CD10 and temp until ovulation has been confirmed. Well, my temps have gone crazy. I’ve never had pre-ovulation temps in the 2ww…until now. My charts are normally scarily predictable with my pre-o temps hovering around 97F and post-o temps around 98F. You may not think that one degree is much difference but it really is! In the past, I could clearly see the ovulation pattern. (Dh actually finds the graphs quite interesting.) This time, however my chart is wacked. I know that the trigger shot can cause some problems but this is ridiculous. Even though I’m around 10 days past ovulation (DPO), I’m 95% confident that I’m not pregnant. (A sensitive home pregnancy test-hpt- can be taken now but I’m not going to waste one for this cycle.) I only have a couple more days of freedom before I start all over again…

Raging Hormones!

Do you ever find yourself tearing up as you watch young siblings interact, sharing toys with each other or playing a made up game that only they understand? I do. How about when you walk by a sweet baby in a car seat and he looks up, sees you smiling at him and he smiles right back at you… Yeah, so maybe I’m the only one. Some days I find myself on the verge of crying (happy tears, of course) just watching the little ones explore the gym where I work. What are they thinking? What is it like seeing a 30 foot trampoline for the first time or swinging on a bar made just the right size for them? Maybe that’s weird to you that I cry about such “normal” and seemingly “silly” things but I find pure happiness just watching toddlers play and seeing them laugh. (And seriously, three year olds say some pretty witty, outrageous, and hilarious things!) Alright, maybe my hormones have a little something to do with it. The point is that I want to be a mom. Whether I become a mom with my own eggs or by someone else’s, I am determined to keep trying.

And the 2ww continues...

I am blown away by the people who have responded to this blog. You all have no idea how much it means to me that you would read this. (And that many of you continue to check up on me!!) I know a lot of you didn’t really know that all of this was going on so to hear your sweet words of encouragement just makes me so humble and so proud to call you my friends.

Dh and I are doing a bible study on Wednesdays and this week’s lesson knocked me on my butt. I have internal battles (moments where I think that life will be fine without children and other times I can’t even imagine it) about having children and the study reminded me how selfish I was and still can be about it. (“I want kids and I want them NOW!”) My heart’s desire is to have children, there is no denying that, but I don’t want it to consume me and I don’t want to push it more than I should with all these fertility treatments. A year ago, I may not have been able to handle throwing a baby shower or working with all the babies and pregnant moms at my job. I’ve been able to take a step back and let God take the reins. My fear though is that I will fall back to that pattern. Prayer IS the work.

Pain update: Finally today, I feel better. It has taken just about two weeks to feel somewhat normal again. I still get a pinch on my left side when I walk but it’s nothing that I can’t live with. At least it’s getting better and not worse.