Sad and mad rolled into one

I don’t even know where to start…

I know my body VERY well. I know my non-pregnancy signs. For example: Anytime I don’t have sore boobs or when only one is sore, I’m not pregnant. When I get sore boobs before 7 DPO, I’m not pregnant. When my temp drops for more than two days in a row, I’m not pregnant. You get the point. For some reason, I do OK with crappy outcomes when I know they are coming. Take this cycle for example. I knew very early on that I wasn’t pregnant. I was actually feeling good about getting on to the next month, starting treatments again and not dwelling on the fact that once again, I wasn’t preggo. And then came my u/s appt today.

I had several “firsts” for my Kansas RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) appt today. 1.) This was my first time to have an appt on a Saturday. 2.) This was my first time ever getting to deal directly with an R.N and not just a tech. 3) This was the first time that I didn’t pass my baseline u/s.

I’m required to do an u/s on CD2 (CD stands for cycle day, by the way) every blasted cycle to make sure my lining is thinning the way it should and to see if my ovaries have returned to their normal size. (Up until now, I’ve always thought that the baseline u/s’s were stupid and a waste of my time and money.) As I was lying on my back with my feet in the stirrups and all, my nurse said, “Wow, your bladder sure is full!” Uh, I had JUST gone to the bathroom…She then says, “Oh, that’s not your bladder, that’s a huge cyst.” More fluid. Tons more fluid in fact. I’m going to explain this the way my nurse did: I was told that I had pushed out 6 eggs out of 6 follicles but that the fluid surrounding my eggs didn’t go anywhere. The cyst on my left side is 48mm across. That’s unheard of! It took up the whole u/s screen! No wonder I was in so much pain!!! It all makes sense. The u/s showed that I have 3 cysts on my right side and 3 on my left (that includes the “bladder” looking one.) Want more sad news? I can’t do any meds this cycle. I have to wait at least a month for the cysts to go away before I can go back to the injections. At the doc’s office, I took the news better than I thought I could but when I got home, I broke down. My mind just goes and goes and I can’t stop it. One more cycle down the drain, and it has just started.

I asked the nurse specifically if we could still ttc (try to conceive) this cycle without meds and she told me that there was a small chance I could still ovulate on my own. Yeah right. What, do you mean that I have only a 1% chance of conceiving vs. my whopping 5% normally? I had 6 stinkin’ targets (uh, I mean eggs) for dh’s boys to hit. Not even ONE fertilized. What’s wrong what that picture!? As I calculated it out, because I have to sit out the next cycle, I will no longer be able to have a child in the year 2009. You’re probably thinking that I shouldn’t think about that or be so negative, right? I HAVE to be realistic and to be realistic means that I’m just not thinking happy, fluffy thoughts anymore. God doesn't have to allow us to have biological children. He doesn't even have to allow us to have any children at all. I'm tired of hearing that it will one day happen. It may not and I'm praying and asking God to help me deal with that real yet sad fact. While I desperately want it to, God has His own timing and agenda for our family. I’m tired of getting my hopes up every cycle only to have it crash in around me. It’s easier just to think that it won’t happen because chances are…that it won’t.

Wow, it sure does help to vent...