Back at it:

I wish I knew a better way to write this, but I don't, so here goes.  I miscarried last week.  I was five weeks along.  It was heartbreaking.  I've slowly come out of my emotional funk and have started pursuing more infertility treatments. 

I had an appt with my PCM who referred me to BAMC's infertility clinic.  It's my first experience with military infertility and so far, I don't like it one bit.  It's probably not fair to say that so early on but I think I'm somewhat justified in saying so.  My PCM told me to go in person to BAMC and talk with the receptionist about getting an appt.  Now, I've only been a military spouse for 6 years now but I've never had a PCM tell me to go anywhere and talk to someone IN PERSON about a referral.  Since I don't think children should be in an infertility clinic due to the sensitivity issues of other patients, I dropped Skittle at Mother's Day Out and drove to BAMC.  I found the clinic easy enough but the receptionist was less than warm to me.  She actually rolled her eyes when I told her my PCM told me to come and talk to her in person.  The only thing I learned today is that yes, I'm on the referral list but she doesn't know if I'll get into the program or not.  If I DO get in, I SHOULD get a call sometime with a MONTH.  If I DON'T get in, I don't get it.  No one calls or lets me know.  I was told to call every week to see what my status is.  I'm glad I went in person since I was able to get the direct number to call her (PCM warned me that I would just get the run around if I tried to get that phone number over the phone) but I still think it's STUPID not to know what's going on. The receptionist also mentioned that even IF I get into the program, I may not be able to get an appt for many months...I MIGHT get a consultation or I might not.  I'm not sure which is worse: military infertility or Arizona with their communication issues. 

So, I wait for months just to know that I can't get an appt??  What a waste of time and energy!!!  I've been told they have an amazing success rate---yeah that's because they are so selective of who they let into their program! 

DH and I have talked about doing IVF with AZ one more time.  Yeah, I know what you're thinking...we're NUTS.  That's probably true but it's the whole "The evil you know vs the evil you don't know" kind of thing.  FETs are probably one of the easiest infertility treatments around and it was a mess month after month with AZ yet here we are thinking of doing IVF (one of the hardest infertility treatments) with them again.  *sigh*  Hey, they helped us get Skittle so they can't be all *that* bad, right?  RIGHT?? 

Instead of waiting for BAMC to figure out what they will do with me, I could just go back to Dr. H or to the other clinic in town.  I'm thankful for all the options available here in San Antonio.  I don't know if I'll have the same kind of choices once we move next summer.  I certainly won't have the same love and support from our families like we do now. 

Comparison prices for IVF:
BAMC: $2,000-3,000
AZ Clinic: $6,300
Dr. H: $16,000
Local clinic: $11,500

She's TWO!

My skittle baby is TWO years old!!!  CRAZY! 

 

 

It has been so much fun watching her grow up.  Here's a list of some favorites:

 

When I ask her her favorite color she says: Blue

 

Favorite food: PIZZA

 

Favorite book: The Going to Bed Book

 

Favorite song to sing herself: Baa Baa Black Sheep or ABC's

 

Favorite TV show: Elmo's World or Yo Gabba Gabba

 

Favorite song I sing to her: "Finkle, Finkle" (Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

 

Favorite toy: Her new trampoline

 

Favorite phrases: We made it! or I like this song! or Where you going?

 

My favorite phrases to hear her say: Be careful, Paisley!  What you doing?

 

Favorite play pals: Ethen and Dean

 

She can now recognize and say all upper and lower case letters, all the basic colors (and aqua), can count 1-10 and repeat 11-20, knows all the basic shapes including octagon and hexagon, and knows what each letter "says" if I ask her.  She's doing gymnastics (she's can do a forward roll on the high beam and jumps off the end of the beam all by herself now), Gymboree, story time, and Mother's Day Out each week.   She sure keeps me busy! 

 

We had her two year old birthday party at The Jumpy Place and it went very well!  I must say, it was SO much easier than her one year old party.  I think we'll be doing something like that next year too...

 

 

 

 

The below pic is of Skittle seeing her new play kitchen for the first time on her birthday:

 



 

Jumping on her new trampoline from Auntie Steph and Uncle Josh:

 

Up's and Down's

What a week. This has been one of the hardest weeks I've gone through since first deciding to do infertility treatments. On Tuesday (8/14) I decided to test one more time, just for the heck of it. Go figure, it was positive. The problem? It was very, very faint. I've been testing every day to see if the lines are getting darker (an indication that hormone levels are going up the way they should) and they are not. Yesterday I took a digital preg test and it came up as "not pregnant" yet on my FRER's, I'm still getting a second line. Obviously, my hormone levels of HCG are VERY low and I know that this will end in a miscarriage.

(If you click on the picture you can see it better...the last test is from today)

I went in for my beta today and it was awful.  Dr. G in AZ wrote the order for the lab slip a bit goofy, not indicating the date for the progesterone draw (which I had done over a week ago) so the nurse here said that she was "legally obligated" to draw both the beta and the progesterone today.  Do you know how unhappy I was?  That was an EXTRA $150 on top of the beta test.  I said I didn't want to do it, that I knew I wasn't preg and it was unnecessary but they "HAD" to do it anyway.  I walked away in tears.  I'm figuring my beta will come back around a 10 (Skittles level at this same day post transfer was 169).  I just hope they call me today and I don't have to wait the weekend before stopping the PIO and Estrace.

I've had some things come into perspective this week and I wanted to share:

I am so thankful that we've been able to do all these infertility procedures.  Not everyone gets to even try as many times as we have.

I'm so thankful that I'm miscarrying now, vs eight weeks from now.

I'm so thankful for my amazing family and friends who are CONSTANTLY lifting me up in prayer and encouragement. 

I'm so thankful for my patient husband who (or is it whom?) endures the PIO shot with me and lets me sob all over him for days on end. 

I'm so thankful for my little girl-my little ball of energy and fun.  She reminds me to slow down and enjoy each little moment.

I'm so thankful for God's grace this week.  The emotional pain has been unrelenting yet He's still here, never leaving, never forsaking me. 

I've had to step away from fb for a while.  It just hurts too much right now to read status updates from all my pregnant friends.  I'm sure I'll go back on there eventually.  It just may be a while, as I need some time to heal.   

ETA: My beta is a 7.  Dr. G wants me to get a repeat beta on Monday to see if that number goes up or down.  I'm supposed to stay on meds until then.

BF....

BIG

FAT

NEGATIVE

I'm hurting...I'm angry...I'm frustrated...

I know God can use this time for good and I fully trust that He knows what He's doing but that doesn't mean that I'm not upset about the situation.  I desperately want to see the positive side to all of this but right now it's incredibly painful to think about it.  I don't understand why my body won't do what it's supposed to.  I don't understand why God allowed all 13 of our babies to die.  Dh and I are praying about what to do next.  Nothing?  IVF again?  I'm at a loss of what to do now. 

I still have to go in for my beta on Friday (8/17).  Talk about cruel.


Psalm 25:4-5
Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths. 
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

FET#4, Transfer Day

We are back from our trip to AZ and everything went very well.  Dr. G said that he didn't know why things didn't work for us the last two FETs but he did say that it's typical that only one out of three FETs result in pregnancy.  Our last four embryos were thawed, and all survived, so four "very good" quality embryos were transferred.  The only difference in this FET vs the past ones were that four were transferred instead of three. 

Three embryos were between 6-8 cells and one embryo was a four cell.  We were given a picture of them but for whatever reason, we now can't find it. 

I'm struggling with PIO again.  The cream helped night one but since, it's been pretty brutal.  I'm back to my theory that all PIO patients with the "doesn't bother me" attitude are liars.  I'm having to take two Benedryl (one an hour before the shot and one after) so I can cope with the aftermath. (MAJOR itchiness, hives, welts and insane bruising)

Below is a picture of Skittle at three days after fertilization.  We don't know if she was the #1 or #2.  We froze the third.  The picture from this past weekend looked almost identical.  (The four celled embryo wasn't pictured.)   It's crazy she started out like this:



And now she's like this: (PEACE!)