Clomid Challenge

I wanted to title this post, "Clomid Sucks" but thought it'd be a tad inappropriate.   I haven't been on Clomid since 2007 and even then I was only on it for one cycle, due to it giving me a thin uterine lining.  The Clomid challenge itself isn't difficult as I just did blood work on CD3, took 100mg of Clomid for five days and then did more blood work on CD10.  I'm sure I won't get my results until my pre-op in January. 

For approx. six months now, I've had incredibly predictable cycles with them being the "normal" (I say normal lightly here) 28 days.  Taking Clomid has messed it up.  I've always had some pretty intense ovulation pain (Mittelschmerz is the technical term) always coming from my left ovary.  This cycle, it's my right ovary (for the first time in umm, at least 5 years-actually I can't remember a time my right side hurt ever) and the pain is radiating up my side to my kidney.  Walking creates a severe stabbing pain in my side.  I'm blaming the Clomid since that's the only difference this cycle vs. others. 

I've had other women tell me that Clomid gave them all kinds of side effects while taking it but I've noticed nothing but the ovulation pain.  I've been told that Clomid symptoms can range from breast tenderness to hormonal rages and night sweats. Of course it will all be worth it if my body decides to cooperate this month and I get pregnant but this isn't much fun. 

It's almost exactly one month until my next surgery...

I leave you with a cute picture of my daughter from Christmas Eve:

2 1/4!

Little Skittle is 2 and 1/4 years old now!   I thought it was a good time to journal/blog about what she's up to. 

She's excelling at talking/speech and loves to tell me what she DOESN'T like or want to do.  I'll ask, "Do you want a hot dog?"  And her usual response, instead of just saying no thanks is, "Mommy, I do not want a hot dog for lunch."  It cracks me up.  Some days she eats really well (for her anyway) and other days I'm surprised she doesn't drop dead of hunger.  She did surprise me when she tried pineapple and a chocolate peanut butter smoothie on our Thanksgiving cruise. She promptly spit out the pineapple but I gave her a lot of praise for trying something new! 

She does very well at drinking out of an open cup now.  I think she mastered it around her 2nd birthday.  She walks up and down the stairs like an adult, with one foot on each stair.  She has yet to figure out how to open a door that has a round knob even though all of her friends can do it. 

Potty training is a no go and I'm not forcing the issue.  We'll try again in a couple months when I hope she'll be more receptive to it. 

She can sing the ABC's, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and The Farmer in the Dell in there entirety. 

I asked her what her favorite things were this time.  Here are her responses:

Color: blue
Animal: elephant
Shape: circle
Toy: iPad
Show: Yo Gabba Gabba (although I think Elmo is still a close second)
Activity: Coloring (drawing ghosts-not sure where she learned that!)

For the most part she's still sleeping great. She normally sleeps 12 hours at night and takes a 1.5 - 3 hour nap during the day. The cruise messed up her sleep a bit but it's slowly straightening itself out again.

The next three pictures are from the cruise.  She was scared of the alligator in Cozumel. 

 

FINALLY napping!

 

 

Look Mom, I have his eye!

 

And a cute one from this weekend with her daddy

 

 

5th Time's the Charm

I had my consult appt with my new RE a couple days ago.  I really like her!  Too bad I probably won't get to work exclusively with her as there are two other RE's with her.  I now have an infertility plan so I'm happy.  She's having me do MORE tests (I'm not so thrilled about that) including a Clomid challenge (I'll take 100 mg of Clomid on CD 5-9 and do blood work on CD 3 and CD 10 which should show my egg reserve numbers), standard blood work that needs to be updated every year (TSH, Thyroid, and Prolactin) and DH has to do another semen analysis (and boy is he excited to do that again...NOT). 

We talked about why I haven't been able to get pregnant since Skittle and we both agreed that another laparoscopy with a hysteroscopy is necessary. I'm scheduled for surgery on Jan 28.  That will be my 5th surgery for infertility.  I was able to conceive Skittle after the last time I had that surgery so I'm hoping the same will be true this time. 

I had my 495th (only a slight exaggeration) vaginal u/s and it showed that the fluid (which she called blood) around my ovaries is back with a vengeance.  The fluid indicated endo last time and that's what she suspects is the case this time.  She explained to me that the endo diet is great for controlling my endo symptoms but not curing the endo itself.

I was officially placed on the August IVF list!  I did mention that we're moving in June and she said that she'll place a big circle around my name with a note to move me to the April group if a spot becomes available.  We also decided that I'll do IUI's with injections until we either do IVF (in April) or until we move in June.  The IUI's will only give me a 15-18% of conceiving per cycle but that's much better than my less than 5% I currently have. 

The waiting begins again.

I just thought I'd throw in some random Skittle pictures from November too...

SHOCKED!

So, I was actually about to close my eyes and take a much needed nap when I got an "unknown" call on my cell-like 10 mins ago.  My first thought was to let it go to voicemail but for whatever reason I answered it.  Guess what?  It was SAAMC infertility clinic!  I'm still shocked!!!   They scheduled me for my consult appt for Nov 26th!  I have to bring all of my infertility records, including Skittle's birth (I think I'll need a backpack just to carry all the papers!!!), and I have to somehow figure out how to get my HSG scan from 2008 in Idaho.  So much for it taking 2-3 months after my infertility class to contact me!  Try 2-3 WEEKS! 

It's going to be a bit of a scramble to get all my records together (Idaho, Kansas, Arizona, and Texas) but I have most of them.  It's unfortunate that I'll have to repeat several tests including that HSG but if I can get bumped to the April IVF group I'll do whatever it takes!   

Dh and I have been praying about our many decisions.  Did God just open up a way for us to do IVF?  Please be praying for us!  We had a good long talk about what we should do and SAAMC was pretty much ruled out unless we can do IVF before we move next summer.  Flying back to AZ is probably going to be our next choice as we just can't find any reasonable prices here in Texas. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just another little side post to say that Skittle had her opthamology appt today and she did GREAT.  The doc was super impressed with her and actually said that if he had a kid like her, he'd have ten more!  I just said, "Thank you! We're working on that." 

The clinic was awesome despite many short coming (like they didn't even call to tell me that she had an appt...minor detail, and it taking over an hour just to see the doctor).  They were well equipped to see the small ones as they had toys and activities IN the patient rooms (not even her Pedi has toys!).  She doesn't appear to have any eye muscle issues so she doesn't require a patch or glasses to correct her "wondering eye".  He said it was the bridge of her nose causing it.  What's funny is that my sister has the same wide bridged nose!  She'll be rechecked in six months but as of now, she looks perfect! 

I hope you don't mind that I'm posting a couple (well, three) of her Halloween pictures. (Her poor eye looks pretty bad in the first one but normal in the others!)  If you click on the pictures they look even better bigger. 

One month down!

Three months before I conceived Skittle, I had some of the worst menstrual cramps of my life. I'm talking curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out kind of painful.  That next month I had my lap surgery and stage III endometriosis was found and cleared out.  I've still had some painful periods since Skittle's birth but nothing like before she was born.  I am, however happy to report that this is the FIRST and only time I have EVER been cramp free (I'm talking not a single bit of pain, not even a twinge!!!!) on the first day of my cycle!!! Even when I did the endo diet before, I still had cramps so I'm not sure why this time is so different.  I've been on the endo diet for a month now and while I'm not the best on it during the weekends, I've been pretty good about staying away from gluten/dairy/red meat/soy during the week.

Unfortunately, this diet has done nothing for my fibro pain and while I expected it to be like that (my rheumatologist said as much), I had high hopes that this diet would help that pain too, even if just a little.   I'm actually seeing an increase in pain lately (with today being the worst in a long time) but I hope it's just a phase.  It makes me so so sad to not be able to wear many of my Halloween socks anymore.  The bands on the longer socks just cause too much discomfort for me to ignore any longer. 

I've been working out about five days a week since I started the endo diet.  (Actually, now that I think about it, that could be causing the increase in Fibro issues.)  While I haven't lost a single pound, I feel like I'm toning up and getting stronger. 

We still don't have a plan for infertility treatments.  We're at a stand still.  I think we'll start pursuing it again after the new year. 

I'll leave you now with a couple pics of my Skittle baby...

 Playing with corn starch and water...too bad she wouldn't touch it!

Sea World

Tough Stuff

My head is spinning right now.  My infertility feels like a plague.  It haunts and it hurts.  It makes me cry and makes me feel so alone.  And yet, I'm not alone. 

I had an "infertility class" at BAMC (Ok it's really SAMMC now but whatever) today and it left me feeling overwhelmed.  Yes, there was a big part of it that dealt with "what is infertility" but it was done well overall.  There were people there that had never had any infertility testing done and there were others, like me, who have done it all.  What I did learn is that my referral was accepted for a consultation but that no way guarantees me a spot in the IVF program.  It looks like that if I can get a consultation in January, I may be able to do IVF in August 2013.  Umm...In August of 2013, we'll be living in Augusta, Georgia.  Yes, I can come back to SA to do IVF here but it puts my husband in a very difficult spot due to his new job as a squadron commander.  It's certainly doable but we're just not sure if we should go this route now.  It just leaves my mind swimming.   It makes me feel like we don't have any direction or a plan anymore. 

BAMC has some serious rules to their program that I wasn't fully aware of before.  If I don't answer my phone when they call for the consult appt, I will be dropped from the program.  If I wouldn't have turned in all the paperwork from today's class, I would be dropped.  Over 40 years old?  They won't even look at you.  Single? They won't see you either.  Got a BMI over 30?  You're out.  Live overseas? NOPE.  Sure, they have some of the best stats in the nation for IVF with their live birth rate at 52% and a pregnancy rate of 56% but good luck getting in. 

Now, I have NEVER posted song lyrics on my blog...NEVER, but I have been hearing a song on Air1 and I googled the lyrics.  This song sings to my heart so I have to post.  It says everything that I wish I could say...

translated from English to English

Kutless Even If Lyrics

 

Translation in progress. Please wait...

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/k/kutless/even+if_21003553.html ]
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Even If lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 

 

End of Week 2

Skittle had her two year old check up this past week.  Her old pedi PCS'd (moved) and we were assigned a new one.  I'd give this new doc a 6/10 score.  I really liked her approach on Skittle's weight issues.  She's not concerned one bit that she didn't grow AT ALL again in 4 months.  She's hovering around 23 lbs and measures 33-34 inches, depending on who's doing the measurements.  She also, without hesitation, wrote her a referral to see an ophthalmologist for her lazy eye. We disagreed on all things vaccine though and wasn't so friendly when I didn't see the point of testing my child AGAIN for lead poisoning.  She was tested at a year old and didn't have it then and hasn't visited a house that was built before 1968 and yet she still has to be tested.  Apparently it's mandated in TX for children to be tested twice.  What I don't understand is why don't any of our buddies have to do it then!?!? I've talked to other TX mothers and their children have not been tested.  I don't get it. 

For the record, I had her tested again.  *sigh*  She was so brave!  She only cried when the needle was in her arm.  Such a trooper! 

As for me, YES I'm still on the endo diet (and yes I still hate it).  It's too early to tell if it's working to reduce my endo symptoms.  I'm not completely sure one of the issues I'm having is even endo related. 

Back in 2008/2009 I started noticing quite a bit of pain in my ovary area around the time that I ovulate.  It's sharp, intense, stabbing pain when I walk/sit/stand up/climb stairs/etc.  When I had a u/s around ovulation back then there was fluid around my ovaries.  All of that was remedied when I had my lap surgery.  The thing is though, that the pain has never gone away.  The last time I did IVF, I remember starting to get that pain on CD 6.  It corresponded with my ovary stimulating hormones and it turned out that I had a WHOLE lot of follicles growing in there.  When I'm not on meds I get the pain around CD9-11 and it can last for up to a week or as little as two days and stops completely when I've ovulated.  This month it was only two days. I know that as my follicles increase in size, so does the pain.

My infertility class is in a week. Yippy.  I still haven't made an appt with Dr. H and honestly, I'm not as sure anymore if I will.  I really feel like IVF is my only good shot at getting pregnant again.    Time will tell...

Endo update: Week 1

One week down on the endo diet...54 more DAYS to go!  (Yes, I actually have a ticker countdown, don't judge!)

I do have to mention that I'm allowing myself hormone free, free range eggs and honey in my diet but a true endo diet doesn't.  Actually, MY version of the endo diet is pretty reflective of the Paleo diet.  Since that's kind of a new craze, I'm better able to find recipes that I like.  Thank you Pinterest!

In other news, I thought I'd post a couple cute pictures of my Skittle baby. She sure is getting so grown up.  Oh how I want to have more children!

Endo Diet x 3

I hate cooking.  No, really, I hate it.  I find nothing appealing about it.  It's a lot of work and a lot of clean up and I get no enjoyment out of any of it, even the actual eating part.  I'm actually jealous of those who do like it.  So you're probably thinking, "Ok then, what do you eat?"   I would be what you'd consider a "reheater."  I can heat up a can of soup like no one's business.  I can microwave like the best of them.  I can even use my many crock pots!  The problem? I think my reheating is aiding my infertility.  I am a convenience food junky and addicted to CRAP foods.   My mother did NOT raise me like that, however.  She was insistent upon making us nice, healthy meals every night and that we packed our school lunches balanced.  I do remember getting very excited that sometimes on Sunday's after church we'd be allowed to have Kraft mac & cheese...gasp...from a BOX.  We, OK, I never appreciated all the hard work my mother put in so that we had healthy, non processed meals.  I never wanted to learn how to cook and I didn't hang around the kitchen enough to notice what was going on.  Now that I'm faced with endo like symptoms again, I'm regretting my eating habits...BIG time. 

I have a problem.

I have very little will power to stay away from junk/prepackaged/convenience foods.  I'm an all or nothing kind of girl so even if I have a small bite of gluten/soy/dairy, I feel like the entire endo diet is ruined and I won't stay on it.  I'm here to ask for accountability so hopefully that will help me stay on track.  Yesterday was a big cooking day where I made lunches for the week for myself and for DH.  Breakfast is simple (GF, SF Chex cereal with almond milk) and fruit, lunch is taken care of (salad with no dressing or cheese, chicken gf noodle soup) and dinners are detailed on the fridge.  So far, I can handle week 1.  My goal is to reassess in two months and see if my endo symptoms decrease. 

People with food allergies impress the crap out of me.  I guess they don't have much choice in the matter, like I do, but I don't really hear them complain about what they can or can't eat.  I've even modified the endo diet for myself and I still whine about what I can't have.  I'm a wee bit irritated at the cost of organic vs non organic and about finding non hormone added dairy out our way.  I'm in a pretty big city and not having more than one option for hormone free cheese is annoying (without having to drive 30 mins each way).  See? Complaining again...

This is my third time trying to do the endo diet.  The first time was a success (stayed on it for two months and during that time I conceived Skittle), and the second time I was only on it for 2 weeks and I felt like I was starving to death.  Eating out was my demise that time.  I am determined to make it for two months again...I CAN do this!!!

More waiting...

This is just a quick update on what's been going on.  And really, it isn't much.

I did get a call from BAMC and was told that I needed to take an infertility class on Oct. 9 with DH.  When I asked what it was about all she said was, "infertility."  I could speculate what that means but I'm hoping it is guidelines/policy/procedures specific to BAMC.  Otherwise, I could probably teach the dang class.  The receptionist also said that after the class I will not hear from them for 2-3 months. REALLY?!  I had a hard time understanding as to why that was but I did ask if I could see another provider until I know if I've been accepted into the program. The short answer is YES I can and so I think I will.  From the time I called to get a referral appt to when I'm supposed to hear if I get into the program will be at least five MONTHS.  Socialized medicine at its finest. 

I need to call Dr. H and schedule an appt but I just haven't wanted to deal with it quite yet.  If Tricare still pays for injections with timed intercourse, that's probably the route we're going to go until the BAMC program straightens itself out. 

Back at it:

I wish I knew a better way to write this, but I don't, so here goes.  I miscarried last week.  I was five weeks along.  It was heartbreaking.  I've slowly come out of my emotional funk and have started pursuing more infertility treatments. 

I had an appt with my PCM who referred me to BAMC's infertility clinic.  It's my first experience with military infertility and so far, I don't like it one bit.  It's probably not fair to say that so early on but I think I'm somewhat justified in saying so.  My PCM told me to go in person to BAMC and talk with the receptionist about getting an appt.  Now, I've only been a military spouse for 6 years now but I've never had a PCM tell me to go anywhere and talk to someone IN PERSON about a referral.  Since I don't think children should be in an infertility clinic due to the sensitivity issues of other patients, I dropped Skittle at Mother's Day Out and drove to BAMC.  I found the clinic easy enough but the receptionist was less than warm to me.  She actually rolled her eyes when I told her my PCM told me to come and talk to her in person.  The only thing I learned today is that yes, I'm on the referral list but she doesn't know if I'll get into the program or not.  If I DO get in, I SHOULD get a call sometime with a MONTH.  If I DON'T get in, I don't get it.  No one calls or lets me know.  I was told to call every week to see what my status is.  I'm glad I went in person since I was able to get the direct number to call her (PCM warned me that I would just get the run around if I tried to get that phone number over the phone) but I still think it's STUPID not to know what's going on. The receptionist also mentioned that even IF I get into the program, I may not be able to get an appt for many months...I MIGHT get a consultation or I might not.  I'm not sure which is worse: military infertility or Arizona with their communication issues. 

So, I wait for months just to know that I can't get an appt??  What a waste of time and energy!!!  I've been told they have an amazing success rate---yeah that's because they are so selective of who they let into their program! 

DH and I have talked about doing IVF with AZ one more time.  Yeah, I know what you're thinking...we're NUTS.  That's probably true but it's the whole "The evil you know vs the evil you don't know" kind of thing.  FETs are probably one of the easiest infertility treatments around and it was a mess month after month with AZ yet here we are thinking of doing IVF (one of the hardest infertility treatments) with them again.  *sigh*  Hey, they helped us get Skittle so they can't be all *that* bad, right?  RIGHT?? 

Instead of waiting for BAMC to figure out what they will do with me, I could just go back to Dr. H or to the other clinic in town.  I'm thankful for all the options available here in San Antonio.  I don't know if I'll have the same kind of choices once we move next summer.  I certainly won't have the same love and support from our families like we do now. 

Comparison prices for IVF:
BAMC: $2,000-3,000
AZ Clinic: $6,300
Dr. H: $16,000
Local clinic: $11,500

She's TWO!

My skittle baby is TWO years old!!!  CRAZY! 

 

 

It has been so much fun watching her grow up.  Here's a list of some favorites:

 

When I ask her her favorite color she says: Blue

 

Favorite food: PIZZA

 

Favorite book: The Going to Bed Book

 

Favorite song to sing herself: Baa Baa Black Sheep or ABC's

 

Favorite TV show: Elmo's World or Yo Gabba Gabba

 

Favorite song I sing to her: "Finkle, Finkle" (Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

 

Favorite toy: Her new trampoline

 

Favorite phrases: We made it! or I like this song! or Where you going?

 

My favorite phrases to hear her say: Be careful, Paisley!  What you doing?

 

Favorite play pals: Ethen and Dean

 

She can now recognize and say all upper and lower case letters, all the basic colors (and aqua), can count 1-10 and repeat 11-20, knows all the basic shapes including octagon and hexagon, and knows what each letter "says" if I ask her.  She's doing gymnastics (she's can do a forward roll on the high beam and jumps off the end of the beam all by herself now), Gymboree, story time, and Mother's Day Out each week.   She sure keeps me busy! 

 

We had her two year old birthday party at The Jumpy Place and it went very well!  I must say, it was SO much easier than her one year old party.  I think we'll be doing something like that next year too...

 

 

 

 

The below pic is of Skittle seeing her new play kitchen for the first time on her birthday:

 



 

Jumping on her new trampoline from Auntie Steph and Uncle Josh:

 

Up's and Down's

What a week. This has been one of the hardest weeks I've gone through since first deciding to do infertility treatments. On Tuesday (8/14) I decided to test one more time, just for the heck of it. Go figure, it was positive. The problem? It was very, very faint. I've been testing every day to see if the lines are getting darker (an indication that hormone levels are going up the way they should) and they are not. Yesterday I took a digital preg test and it came up as "not pregnant" yet on my FRER's, I'm still getting a second line. Obviously, my hormone levels of HCG are VERY low and I know that this will end in a miscarriage.

(If you click on the picture you can see it better...the last test is from today)

I went in for my beta today and it was awful.  Dr. G in AZ wrote the order for the lab slip a bit goofy, not indicating the date for the progesterone draw (which I had done over a week ago) so the nurse here said that she was "legally obligated" to draw both the beta and the progesterone today.  Do you know how unhappy I was?  That was an EXTRA $150 on top of the beta test.  I said I didn't want to do it, that I knew I wasn't preg and it was unnecessary but they "HAD" to do it anyway.  I walked away in tears.  I'm figuring my beta will come back around a 10 (Skittles level at this same day post transfer was 169).  I just hope they call me today and I don't have to wait the weekend before stopping the PIO and Estrace.

I've had some things come into perspective this week and I wanted to share:

I am so thankful that we've been able to do all these infertility procedures.  Not everyone gets to even try as many times as we have.

I'm so thankful that I'm miscarrying now, vs eight weeks from now.

I'm so thankful for my amazing family and friends who are CONSTANTLY lifting me up in prayer and encouragement. 

I'm so thankful for my patient husband who (or is it whom?) endures the PIO shot with me and lets me sob all over him for days on end. 

I'm so thankful for my little girl-my little ball of energy and fun.  She reminds me to slow down and enjoy each little moment.

I'm so thankful for God's grace this week.  The emotional pain has been unrelenting yet He's still here, never leaving, never forsaking me. 

I've had to step away from fb for a while.  It just hurts too much right now to read status updates from all my pregnant friends.  I'm sure I'll go back on there eventually.  It just may be a while, as I need some time to heal.   

ETA: My beta is a 7.  Dr. G wants me to get a repeat beta on Monday to see if that number goes up or down.  I'm supposed to stay on meds until then.

BF....

BIG

FAT

NEGATIVE

I'm hurting...I'm angry...I'm frustrated...

I know God can use this time for good and I fully trust that He knows what He's doing but that doesn't mean that I'm not upset about the situation.  I desperately want to see the positive side to all of this but right now it's incredibly painful to think about it.  I don't understand why my body won't do what it's supposed to.  I don't understand why God allowed all 13 of our babies to die.  Dh and I are praying about what to do next.  Nothing?  IVF again?  I'm at a loss of what to do now. 

I still have to go in for my beta on Friday (8/17).  Talk about cruel.


Psalm 25:4-5
Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths. 
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

FET#4, Transfer Day

We are back from our trip to AZ and everything went very well.  Dr. G said that he didn't know why things didn't work for us the last two FETs but he did say that it's typical that only one out of three FETs result in pregnancy.  Our last four embryos were thawed, and all survived, so four "very good" quality embryos were transferred.  The only difference in this FET vs the past ones were that four were transferred instead of three. 

Three embryos were between 6-8 cells and one embryo was a four cell.  We were given a picture of them but for whatever reason, we now can't find it. 

I'm struggling with PIO again.  The cream helped night one but since, it's been pretty brutal.  I'm back to my theory that all PIO patients with the "doesn't bother me" attitude are liars.  I'm having to take two Benedryl (one an hour before the shot and one after) so I can cope with the aftermath. (MAJOR itchiness, hives, welts and insane bruising)

Below is a picture of Skittle at three days after fertilization.  We don't know if she was the #1 or #2.  We froze the third.  The picture from this past weekend looked almost identical.  (The four celled embryo wasn't pictured.)   It's crazy she started out like this:



And now she's like this: (PEACE!)

FET #4, CD8-17

CD8: Well, after FINALLY getting to talk to Martha (the nurse in AZ) everything is set for my last FET on Aug 3.  I JUST bought plane tickets, which were more than double the price since the last time we did this.  I'm not really sure why prices to Tucson are so high this time of year as really, who wants to go to the hottest place on earth right now?  At least I found a great deal on a Marriott hotel for only $59/night.  DH will be going with me and my wonderful mother will be watching Skittle for us.  I also found out that I only have four embryos left so this will indeed be the last time we travel to AZ for FETs.  It makes me so so sad to think that two more of our babies didn't make it.  We've gone from 13 embryos down to only four. 

CD12: The u/s didn't go so well today.  I was feeling ovulation pains and was praying that I was wrong.  I have a 12mm follicle on my left ovary that's trying to become dominate and ovulate.  Also, my lining is only at 7mm.  It would be nice if Martha would call be back so I can figure out what to do.  Do we have to cancel this FET???

CD14:  I FINALLY heard from Martha today.  I've had to bump up my Estrace to 6mg a day (that's the highest dose allowable) but at least the FET is still on.  I failed to mention to her that I feel like I'm ovulating.  I hope I didn't mess things up.  I've got EWCM, something I haven't had AT ALL during the last three FETs.  NOT GOOD.

CD17: I started PIO tonight.  I was given a prescription cream to help with the pain and allergic reaction and as of right now, it's working.  The needle actually didn't hurt this time!  Thank you Lord!  What I've discovered is that the location where I'm supposed to do the shot is the same spot when my Fibro is bad.  I can't lean against a counter because of the pain in my butt/hip and that's where the shot is supposed to go.  No wonder it hurts!  I always thought that when people said "PIO isn't that bad" or "PIO doesn't hurt" that they were a bunch of liars, but turns out they might be right...maybe it isn't so bad for those without Fibro. 

I think my next post will be after the transfer on Friday.  Thank you to everyone who have been praying for me again.  The prayers have been felt! 

FET #4

I am so completely frustrated with the clinic in AZ.  I'm tired of this non-sense.  This really should not be this difficult!  I guess I should have just shipped the embryos here to TX and paid triple what I'm paying to do it in AZ.  Lesson learned. AF came at an inconvenient time (wait, when doesn't it?) and I understand that it made things a bit more difficult for scheduling appts and such but...really, it should NOT be this much red tape for an FET.  I called twice on Friday to try and get orders for a u/s that was supposed to be scheduled for today.  Surprise, no one called me back so I left a semi nice voicemail for my nurse on her cell phone.  She did end up calling me back and apologizing that no one gave her the messages but she said I needed to call on Monday to try and get orders.  SIGH.  I've called 14 billion times today and TX has yet to get the orders.  I am now on CD4 and I was supposed to get a u/s on Sat...TX isn't open on Sat and oh, they don't do u/s's past noon on weekdays.  That means that I didn't get in for a u/s today either.  I've made an appt for tomorrow WITHOUT orders and I'm praying that it all works out.  Nothing is ever EVER easy when it comes to infertility. 

I've already started 2mg Estrace twice a day to shut down my ovaries.  I would hate to waste all that medicine and have to cancel this cycle.  The longer I wait to do this, the higher the price of air fare.  The last two times I've done this, I had bought my tickets by CD2.  Now I'm going to have to wait until AT LEAST CD5.  Not cool AZ, NOT COOL. 

I've asked to see if we can manipulate my cycle enough to do the actual transfer on a Friday.  It just works out better for all involved if we can.  I REALLY REALLY hope this is the last time I have to deal with AZ.  I'm over it and just plain sick of the runaround.  Now if my body could just figure out how to get and STAY pregnant...

Father, it's in Your hands.  I know that Your timing is always perfect.  Help me to let it all go and to trust completely in You and Your timing.  Those are your precious babies in Arizona and I know that you love them even more than I do.  I just ask that You would calm my heart and prepare my body for those babies.  You always do immeasurably more than I could ever ask... You are so good to me. 

22 Months!

Here's my baby at 22 months!

It's time for a list of her favorites:

Food: Yogurt!  (She would eat this at every meal if we let her!)
Toy: Tea Cups (though she calls them her coffee cups thanks to Papa M!)
Book: Red Hat, Green Hat
iPad App: Elmo Letters
Favorite show: Elmo's World or Super Why
Favorite Phrase: No no Lex Lex!

My favorite time of day with her is right after bath time.  She giggles non-stop when I get her into her pj's now.  It's the cutest thing I've ever seen! 

She's still a pretty happy kid.  I'm thankful that we seem to have gotten out of the hitting phase (and yeah, I know it can happen again).  She's actually walking down the stairs now too! 

I'll be (hopefully) flying to AZ for our last (??) FET in a couple weeks.  I just can't wait to start PIO again...(hear the sarcasm drip from my lips...)



 

Frustrations and Praise

I wish I knew better how to deal with my infertility.  Even now as I'm on the brink of tears, I try to tell myself to get it together and it's not that big of a deal.  There are so many folks out there that want more children like we do and are not having the emotional break downs like I seem to have.  God knows that I'm frustrated as I seem to tell Him so daily now.  

An applicable quote I read today by a Kasey Van Norman on FB was, "Are you waiting on God? Don't worry, it's just a set-up for His greatness to explode in your life...stay focused. Stay faithful."  I am waiting on God for another baby but I can't forget that His greatness DID explode once already when he gave us Skittle.  And you know what?  He will STILL be great even if He doesn't allow us to have more babies. 

Psalm 43 was part of my Bible reading today. Verses 1-6 really hit home. "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." (verse 1) and "I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (verse 4)  Thank you Lord for Your word and for Your daily blessings.

Here are just a couple pictures of my sweet blessing playing with a bubble gun from her auntie. 

Cloth!

So apparently I just deleted my previous cloth post.  So sad!  I guess I'll try again.

I've had quite a few friends ask me about cloth diapers so I thought I'd do a post about it.  There are a TON of great resources out there (blogs, web sites) with oodles of info so I thought I'd just explain what we've done.  Feel free to ask any questions!

When I was preg with Skittle, I did a LOT of research on cloth.  It was overwhelming!  I ended up choosing a bunch of different types/styles in the newborn size so I could then decide what I liked from there. 

I bought three dozen prefolds with covers and I ended up not liking them much at all.  Prefolds are possibly what your parents used on you but with pins and plastic pants.  I ended up tri-folding my prefolds and putting them in a waterproof cover.  Skittle was a super soaker and her skin ended up feeling very wet and even with a fleece liner, we descided not to continue use.   

The above pic shows a Gerber prefold (one you can find at Wal-Mart) and one from Green Mountain Diapers.  The GMD's are UBER soft and squishy and have my vote if you go the prefold route. 

We also tried fitted diapers.  These also require a cover and basically are a glorified prefold but much fancier (and cuter!).  This pic isn't great but Skittle is wearing a orange Thirsties fitted diaper with a green cover in the below pic.

I still didn't love the fitted's so I moved on to all-in-one diapers and Bumgenius quickly became our favorites.  They are JUST like disposables but you don't throw them away!  They are awesome!  Here is Skittle modeling one in size x-small and then one in size medium.

Even at 21 months, she can still fit into the mediums.  Some people choose to do one size diapers.  We have a couple of those but I felt like they were super bulky on Skittle when she was young.  Here are some pics of her wearing a Lil' Boppers one size diaper at two weeks old and then at 20 months.

 Our current stash is made up of Bumgenius, Fuzzibunz, Lil' Boppers (All-in-Two's), and Peachy Green (our second fav since they are soooo trim!). Here are a couple pics of our newest Bumgenius FreeTime diapers, one with snaps and one with aplex (velcro). 

Here is our current setup.  Diapers go in the top drawer of the changing table. Extra wet bags, wipes, and the extra pail liner are stored in the cabinet.  All the dirty diapers and wipes go into the diaper pail (pictured with a pink liner).  

We just pull out the liner and throw everything (including the liner) in the washing machine.  It's that easy!!  I dry everything except diaper covers and pocket  shells on high heat in the dryer.  Seriously, I don't think it gets much easier than that!  Cloth is not as stinky as disposables and our household waste is reduced!  It's a win-win to us.  Now, we don't use cloth overnight or when we travel as again, I do what is easiest for our family. 

Hope that helps a little!

Post-Op

I'm finally feeling better today.  I feel more like myself and my version of "normal."  The recovery process for my last surgery was slow and drawn out and I'm just so happy to finally put it all behind me. 

I got my stent out a couple days ago and let me just say that the procedure was most unpleasant and something nightmares are made of.  I'll spare you the details this time.  A couple hrs after it was out, I started having horrific back pain, which I now attribute to my ureter screaming obscenities at me for having a foreign object being so rudely ripped out of it.  And when I say ripped out, I mean ripped out.  Try not to picture it. 

The back pain right after the surgery was minimal.  Thank you Lord! It was my bladder that was having issues due to the stent rubbing it the wrong way.  Literally.  I would either have bladder spasms or have the urge to pee 1000 times during the day with pain radiating from my kidney (the start of my stent) to my bladder (where the stent stopped).  Think UTI on steroids, for a week. 

It's funny that I haven't really even cared so much about TTC.  I was given the all clear to start the FET process again but we're not sure when that'll happen.  I'll start meds in two weeks or six...who knows. 

The first pic is of my arms and the brutal attempt at starting an IV.  My left arm, with the NASTY bruise and the final resting place of my IV, was try number three.  I'm STILL bruised by the way...

This is the insane amount of meds they had me on and yes, I felt like I needed every one of them for the week with the stent.  DH made me a handy little chart for remembering when to take what. 

All I can say is drink WATER until it hurts because YOU DO NOT WANT KIDNEY STONES.  Thanks again to all who prayed for me.  It was felt! 

Stones suck, Skittle is 20 months

I've thought about writing my blog quite a bit lately but all I can think to write about is negative/venting/whiny type posts.  I'm going to try to keep this as factual as possible without my normal hormonal attitude getting in the way...if I can.

I'm annoyed by my kidneys and the fact that my body won't reproduce children like most normal humans.  I have to have surgery in a couple weeks to remove three kidney stones from my left side thus preventing us from trying another FET in the near future.  My stone sizes are 1mm, 3mm and the monster of monsters-9.1mm.  Really, the concern is about the 9mm stone blocking me up but I haven't had any pain issues whatsoever.  I'd be a great candidate for Lithotripsy but due to military horse poo, I can't do it.  That means that I'll be getting a Ureteroscopy instead.  It's an invasive surgical procedure but SHOULDN'T require me to stay the night in the hospital.  Although, I had to the last time I did it.  I was in so much pain after that surgery, I wanted to die and they had only removed ONE stone.  Once the spinal wore off (this time I'll be put completely under since I won't be pregnant) I was in agony.  This time I'll be getting all three stones removed, with the 9mm one first being blasted by a laser then removed piece by piece.  I'll also have to have a stent for 1-3 weeks.  I don't understand why I have to have one-since I've never had one before.

Ok, maybe I do need to vent.  Sorry...please don't read if you can't stand to hear me complain...again.

You're probably thinking, "Aren't kidney stones preventable?"  Yes, MOST stones are but I swear I'm doing everything right.  I don't drink coffee. I don't drink sweet/unsweet tea and I drink very little soda.  I gave up drinking milk the last time I went on the endo diet.  I very rarely drink anything BUT water (and a lot of it) and yet, here I am again with stones.

 I was told that I need to be on a stone diet. 

-Limit red meat to 8-10 oz a week (CHECK)
-Don't put extra salt on food (CHECK)
-Drink 2 liters of water a day (CHECK)

I'm doing ALL those things already and I still get these freaking HORRIBLE kidney stones! I have had some pretty painful things happen to me-burning over a square foot of my leg with boiling oil/water, having a natural miscarriage at 11 weeks preg, passing a 7mm kidney stone without pain meds, dealing with nerve damage in my mouth, oh and I can't forget childbirth and the aftermath of my pelvic separation.  BUT the one pain that tops them all is having a ureteroscopy all while being 35 weeks pregnant.  And...I get to do that surgery again. This will be my 8th surgery in 4 years.  That is disturbing. 

OK, I think I'm done.  Onto another topic...

SKITTLE!  She's 20 months old now!  I guess at some point I should stop counting her age in months but I think until she turns two, I won't. 

She's such a ham.  She sings her ABC's all the way until letter G.  I swear she's on pitch and everything!  She'll sing, "Now I know my ABC's" too...She counts to 11 and says, "I love _____ (fill in the blank---mama, daddy, Elmo, Lexi, Lovie, etc.).  She's saying a LOT of phrases too.  It's so nice now that I can ask her a question and she'll answer with a yes or no.  She got pretty sick a couple weeks ago and lost more than 10% of her body weight.   She's since gained it all back plus more due to a fierce eating frenzy!  It's nice to have my child WANT to eat for once!

Favorite show: Elmo's World
Favorite book: a Cookie Monster book
Favorite toy: Elmo stuffed animal or a ball
Favorite (most used) phrases: Hold On, Hold Me, Yeah OK!
Favorite song: ABC's
Favorite Food: Bagels with cream cheese

One of these days I'm going to post more about our cloth diapers.  But for now...here are some 20 month pictures! (In the last one, she's eating bread from Outback.)