The waiting game

I have some very mixed emotions. I'm grateful to be pregnant but I'm scared out of my mind. Nothing really seems to be going in my favor. Or, at least how I imagined it or how I want it. My RE informed me yesterday that they decide how far along I am based on when he did the transfer of the embryos not when he took out the eggs. That puts me 3 days behind where I thought I was. That's good, and that's bad. My number of 197 for my beta blood draw to me was on the low side for being two weeks after the transfer (in my mind I was 17 DPO but in actuality it was supposedly only 14 DPO). That would make my number look better (the higher the better). Anyway, the same goes for both the u/s's I had. I thought I was having one at exactly 5 weeks and then again at 6 but according to my RE I was only 4weeks 4 days and 5 weeks 4 days respectively. We weren't able to see a heartbeat (yes there is only ONE baby, not two) so I go back again next Monday (Jan 4). I'm in waiting HELL. I have VERY bad feelings and bad thoughts and I need to stop it but I can't. I just feel like things should have looked differently at my u/s yesterday even though my RE said things looked "great." Whatever. I can't bring myself to even walk by at the baby isle in Target or read anything pregnancy related. The waiting for a positive (or negative) pregnancy test was easier than this. I know God has it all figured out but this is killing me. I know that He can take this baby any time He wants but that doesn't mean it won't be hard if we go down that path again. I'm 0/2 in this and I'm out of my mind with fear that I will miscarry again.

I've tried my hardest to scan the u/s pictures but our printer won't do it! You'll have to settle for a pic of my preg test instead. :)

Results are in...

I appreciate everyone who is still interested in hearing about my results from the blood test today. I think you all deserve to know. My beta number was 196 at 17DPO. Anything over 10 means pregnancy. Yes, I'm pregnant...and yes, I'm completely FREAKED OUT that it isn't going to last. PLEASE, please don't say anything about this on my Facebook wall. I have a bloody long way to go before things will be OK (when the kid is in my arms I think) but for now, I'm trying to be happy that IVF worked so far. I was supposed to go in for a u/s in exactly one week (Thank you Jesus that I'll be monitored!!!) but can't because we'll be out of town for Christmas. I'll be getting one on Dec. 28th to check that things are growing in the right place (in my uterus and not in my tube) and see how big the gestational sac is. Once we see a heartbeat, I might calm down a little. MIGHT.

You all have been such blessings to me during this journey. Again, I have a VERY long way to go so I'd appreciate no comments on FB...email is OK though.

Shoot, I can't post the pic of one of my many pregnancy tests that I took this week. It's on the other computer...BOOO!

Real Questions:

Why do people have kids? No, really, why do people have kids? Is being a mother/parent all that great? What is the motivation? I mean, I’ve wanted to be a mother for gosh, I think my whole life, but why? I already have two dogs and a ferret that act like children (they barf, poop and pee-most of the time where they are supposed to, demand to be fed, beg, whine, and keep me up at night) yet why then do I want human children when I’m already dealing with three two year olds? From the outside looking in, I see parenthood as one big challenge, putting pressure on time and money, and yet, kids look like they can be the most precious gift in the entire world. Do I just want to love something/someone greater than myself? Is spending all this money on infertility treatments worth it? Can I be satisfied without any children at all? Would I be satisfied with only one child?

To those of you who are mothers and are reading this blog I ask: What made you decide to have children? Is it worth it?

God is so good!

I'm in a state of shock...I had my embryo transfer this morning all I can say is God is so good. All the glory goes to Him! I honestly don't know what was so different from this IVF from the last (other than the immense stress of moving across the country at approx the same time and it happening on accident) but this time my embryos are little fighters!


As Dh and I (Dh took ANOTHER day off and drove me to Tucson and back) walked back to a small room with my RE, the RE didn't say much. His face made me start to panic and a million questions popped in my head. ("What's wrong?" Did all of the embryos die?" "Did they not fertilize?" "If they did live, what is the quality like?") He sat us down and began to explain what happened over the last three days. Of the 23 eggs he got from me, several were immature and couldn't be fertilized. However, 15 DID fertilize and ALL had survived!!! Every one of those embryos made it to 8 cells. (At my last fresh transfer all I got was two 6 celled embryos and one 7 celled out of the 12 fertilized eggs.) My RE specifically said that my egg quality was just fine and the embryos are exactly where they need to be. We then went into a discussion of whether we wanted to put back two or three embryos. I was all for three, but both the RE and Dh weren't. The RE made several very valid points one of which was that the risk of triplets was just too high in his opinion. We went with two. That means that we now have 13 embryos on ice!!!!! My RE was confident that if this fresh cycle didn't work, he would have no problem putting in 3-4 embryos for the next FET cycle. I'm still in shock!!! He then showed us a LIVE picture of our babies! It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.



After the sit down discussion, it was time for the real procedure. It wasn't very painful, only slightly uncomfortable (and I must say, I no longer care that my RE is male. I never thought I'd get to that point!). I watched the u/s screen and saw two babies being put into my uterus. All I can say is WOW. God allowed all 15 babies to live...He protected them and kept them strong. Again, to God all the glory!



Now we wait. I go in for a progesterone blood test on Monday and then have a pregnancy blood test in two weeks to see if the babies settled in. Two weeks...

Here are two of the three babies we transferred today. #3 is now frozen with his brothers and/or sisters for later use:





I went back and looked at the FET picture of our two embryos and man, I can see a HUGE difference in the quality. I'm just so amazed...

2 days Post Retrieval

At the retrieval two days ago, the doc got 23 eggs! That's a bit more than 12. The recovery for that surgery was worse than than I remember it but I'm feeling better today. During the last IVF cycle in Idaho, I remember the doc telling me that they had a hard time putting me under and had to use just enough medication not to kill me but to put me under. This time, the RE failed to do that. I heard and FELT everything. I even had to be restrained because I was squirming so much from the pain. (Shouldn't that have been a clue?? I couldn't talk but I could move!) I'm glad that's over.

We'll also be doing a process called ICSI. I can't remember the technical terms but it's when a single sperm is injected directly into each egg. It's supposed to give us higher odds for pregnancy because hopefully more than just five embryos will survive this time. We'll see tomorrow how well it worked.

I'll be on bed rest for a while after the transfer. I'm supposed to minimize stomach muscle movement as much as possible. I can sit and lie down but not much else.

Dh-I love you. You've been such a blessing to me during all of this. I know you hate the PIO shots (SO DO I!!!!) but you're being such a great sport about all of it. You mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Please pray for my babies.

IVF Day ??? 1 Day post trigger

“Turn the other cheek” has a whole new meaning now. The circle on my left side that the nurse drew on my bum now has a pretty black and purple bruise filling the entire thing. I do get two days off from IM shots (but I still had to do two subq ones yesterday) but I start back up again tomorrow with PIO. I’ve been in considerable pain ever since day three of Menopur. The stuff works I’ll give you that but not without constant stabbing pain in my ovaries.

I had a follicle check last week in Texas. The u/s was awful. It wasn’t awful in the sense that things didn’t look good. I had a bunch of follies and my lining was good but I had horrific pain during the entire thing. I could actually compare the pain to passing a kidney stone. Yes, it was that bad. It was obviously attributed to the u/s wand pushing up against my ovaries-which are very swollen and tender. The tech wouldn’t tell me how many follies I had nor how big they were. I’m somewhat good at reading a u/s now so I’m guessing that I had around 12ish follies and they were between 14-18mm. 12 isn’t bad. I was just hoping for more. Quality over quantity I guess.

Tomorrow is the egg retrieval. Please pray that everything goes smoothly. I get nervous for just about everything in life and so, I’m nervous for this too. I guess I just want to know how it will all turn out. All the eggs will be fertilized tomorrow as well. Pray that God’s will would be done. My heart’s desire is that every egg will fertilize perfectly, that there will be little fragmentation, and the quality would be good. I’ll know on Thursday how they all turn out. I’ll post pics of them if they give them to me.

IVF Day 15

Isn't that pic great and a little bit creepy? :) I just had to share it.

I started the Menopur injections today and I hate them. I'm doing 300iu (which is 4 vials to 1 liquid) in a very large needle. My mom, who is giving them to me (Dh is out of town), actually said, "Oh, wow." when she saw it. Back when I did PIO shots about a year ago, I never had the alcohol wipes with the pain reliever. Let me just say, it's not pain free, but they certainly help the sting of the initial prick. I think I only have another 8 or 9 more days of those before I get a one day break from needles. It's amazing what I can get used to.

IVF Day 8

IVF Day 8

Another day, another RE appt.

I called my RE at the beginning of the week about getting af and I never did hear back from them. I was not a happy person when I walked into the RE’s office today. At least Dh was there, which made things slightly better. After waiting an hour and 10 minutes to be called back, the first thing a nurse asked was what meds I was taking. I said Lupron and she said, “Your doing 10 units, right?” WHAT? I got upset too easily and huffed, “No one told me to do 10, I was told 20.” Another nurse then explained that because I got af I was to go down to 10 units of Lupron. This is strike number two for this RE’s office. First they failed to tell me to start the Lupron all together and then they fail to tell me to cut the units in half. Because I’ve been doing 20 units the entire time, I barely have any Lupron left. Tricare won’t allow me to get anymore so I had to pay for another bottle out of pocket.

Everything else is still on track with the IVF, despite af. My u/s was very good today. My lining is where it should be and my ovaries are quiet. (Lupron is a drug that is used to shut my ovaries down so they won’t produce any follicles all while sucking all the estrogen out of my body…lovely stuff I must say. It’s actually a lower dose medication that is used to suppress endo.) Anyway, I’m down to 5 units of Lupron for another week and then I start the strong stuff. I then start two injections a day. No one mentioned that to me until today. I was told that I have to do Menopur in my tush and Lupron in my stomach. I always did Menopur in my stomach…a subcutaneous injection…until now. I was told that patients are seeing better, larger follicles when the Menopur is injected into a muscle. LUCKY ME. I am NOT looking forward to it. I thought I had another couple weeks before I started the butt shots. The nurse drew circles on my bum so Dh (or whoever ends up giving them to me) knows where to stick me. The one week countdown has begun…

IVF day 3

*sigh* I’m pretty upset. I got af despite all the medical efforts to keep it away. Apparently, Provera doesn’t work for me. I don’t know what it all means but it’s just irritating. I want to blame the nurse for not telling me to start the meds last week when I was supposed to (and I didn’t know it!!) I have to call my RE tomorrow and try to explain it (I’m doing IVF, I got af, what do I do now??) to the person who answers the phone so that they will get me a nurse to call me back. I hate this. I really hate this. The problem all along was that I can’t wait another month and now I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to. I noticed very little differences in this af vs. the ones before the surgery. (From that I’ve read, endo symptoms should be gone after the surgery.) That tells me that it’s already coming back, despite my best efforts at the endo diet.

I'm still doing the Provera (10mg-not the 5mg like I said before) and the Lupron. Who knows what will happen next...

IVF Day 1

IVF Day 1

So, apparently I was supposed to start my injections last week, the day of my last RE appt. When I said I hadn’t been doing them, I got a troubled look from my nurse. All this time I thought I was to wait until I got AF (A BIG miscommunication on their part. Also, it’s written all over my Lupron box that I shouldn’t take it if I’m pregnant or could be pregnant…HELLO!?! I could have been!). If AF starts, I have to wait another MONTH before I can proceed with IVF-which is not a good thing. I was put on Provera to stop it but I also have to start Lupron shots today. Lupron is the easiest and friendliest of my injections on my body. It’s just a small needle- ½ inch long-and given in my stomach every day. I’ve done IVF before, but not from the beginning. This part is all new to me. (I did do Lupron for 6+weeks about a year ago for my FET but never for IVF).

I thought maybe we were going to have problems with timing IVF because we are leaving town for two weeks to go to Texas (Dh goes TDY for a week to San Antonio and I’m going to tag along and go to Houston. Then we’re spending another week in there for Thanksgiving.) When I asked about how it was all going to work, I was told again that we can’t postpone another month because I may not have that much time given my endo severity. The plan (I love plans) is that I’m going to get monitored (do u/s’s and blood draws) in Texas and as soon as we get home, I’ll have my egg retrieval. Another small possible hitch may be that I’ll need a ride home from the egg retrieval because they knock me out for it and I’m not sure if Dh can take more time off for that. I guess I’ll figure it out as we get closer to the date. (Around Nov 30th)

I want to record how much of the meds I’m using (for reference later so just bear with me)

Today I did:
5 mg of Provera
20 units of Lupron using a 28 ½ G needle

I again went through my fertility meds box and am completely amazed at how many needles I now have. (if I thought I had a lot before…watch out!) I compared the sizes and have found that the needles for my FET were smaller so I may be doing a little swap out.

Here is a pic of my needle sizes. I do have one more size not included but it’s pretty close to the first one on the left (which I use for Lupron only). The last one is only used for mixing the meds (no that thing doesn’t actually enter my body, thank the Lord!) My current pharmacy sent me a bunch of the 25G needles (the second from the right) to use for my butt shots but man that thing is MASSIVE. Maybe you can't tell in the pic but in real life, that thing is enormous! I’m used to using the middle one for that but I don’t think I’ll have enough of those to get me through three weeks. It should be interesting!

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary to me and this blog! This blog has become something of healing for me, a sort of therapy for the stress of infertility. I can honestly say that I feel better once I write. Sometimes my thoughts and ideas aren’t as clear as I’d like on the page but I know what I’m saying. I know I’m not the most positive person, and I haven’t tried to be. I’m real. I’m human. I struggle much with infertility. My triumphs are few and far in between but I know that the one and only thing I can count on is Jesus. The only thing that keeps me grounded is Jesus. I don’t have a success story to boast about. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know who can get me there. One year gone and one year stronger.

I had my follow up (FINALLY) with my RE last week and things went really, really well. I walked away encouraged. And that’s something that hasn’t happened in a while. I did have a u/s (by the way, since moving to AZ I’ve had every u/s with my actual RE and not a nurse or tech…that’s very different than what I’m used to…and the fact that he is male STILL creeps me out but I’m getting more used to it.) My uterus is completely healed as are my incisions. My RE actually said my uterus looked amazing. Now I can add that to the strange and almost disturbing sayings to my collection. (According to an Idaho x-ray tech, I also have a pretty cervix. And yes, I do think that just sounds wrong.) My lining was thick and I ovulated just two weeks after the surgery. My RE was surprised when I said that but it was confirmed by the u/s that the pain on my left side was indeed ovulation. No fluid was mentioned. The biggest thing about that appt was that I was going to plead NOT to do the suppression meds. He said that since we trying to get pg, doing the meds wouldn’t be my best option. YAYYYYY!!!!! However, I was told that I need to pg as soon as possible. Obviously I’m OK with that…the problem is how to get there. I was given two options.

1. Try two rounds of Clomid with injections with IUI’s then move to IVF if that doesn’t work.

Or

2. Go straight to IVF.

I chose number 2. Now, I’m going to set some things straight about the way we (me and Dh) do IVF. If you’ve never experienced it, or done in depth research on the subject I don’t feel like you can give advice or your opinion on the moral or ethical side of IVF to us. We both firmly believe that life begins at conception. When an egg and sperm meet, it is a human LIFE. Sometimes women who do IVF create a lot of life (20+ embryos) and don’t intend to use them, let them die, or let them be used for research. I don’t agree with that. Unfortunately, my babies die very easily and only God has control over which ones lives and who doesn’t. I DON’T DECIDE. I also whole heartily disagree with selective reduction and I will sign a waiver not allowing them to abort any of my embryos. That’s non-negotiable for us. With that being said, we’re doing IVF beginning next cycle. I don’t know how much time I have until the endo comes back so we’re going straight to the big guns. I do have to mention that things are done differently at this RE. They give me the meds directly right at the office. I was shocked when they handed me a 14 day supply of Lupron injections (that I will start as soon as I start af) and charged me $300. Normally, I would have been given a prescription for it which I promptly asked for because Tricare actually covers that med. I ended up paying $3 and it will be delivered to my house next week. You just can’t beat that.

I’m going to be writing throughout my IVF experience this time around. This will be it. This second round of IVF will be our last push with meds for a baby. We’re done after this. Sure, we’ll always try naturally, but I just can’t take the stress and pain of it all. Dh, at this point, is refusing to give me the progesterone in oil butt shots and I refuse to give them to myself so, does anyone want to volunteer to be my butt shot giver? :)

Wow, I think I wrote enough…

The Endo Diet:

Basically, the endo diet is a vegan diet, minus wheat and soy. I don’t think I ever really had much pain when it came to endo (or I tolerate it well) so my new diet is purely for the sake of having children (and if I become a bit healthier in the process, so be it.). Now, I never thought in a million that I would utter the words VEGAN and ANGIE in the same sentence but Hell has frozen over and that’s what it has come to. Although, I’m going to modify that diet some. Now, I think eggs-as long as they are hormone and antibiotic free-are OK for me. And the same goes for butter. For a true vegan, those are obviously big no-no’s. Here is what I have to avoid:

Wheat
Refined Carbs
Sugar, including honey
Alcohol
Caffeine
Chocolate (Oh, God help me!)
All dairy products
Fried Foods
All Red Meat & Animal products
All Soy (which seems to be in just about everything I like)
Basically, all the food I eat, I shouldn’t. I’ve come to the conclusion that everything I do eat, needs to be made from scratch and that 50% of my diet needs to be fruits and veggies. If you’ve ever watched the Gilmore Girls, you would know how I currently eat and how all of this is going to be quite a stretch. Why I’m not 300 lbs in beyond me.

I’m deciding whether or not to make my own bread (as all the recipes I’m seeing either contain a form of wheat or a form of soy) but I think that if I have a smidgen of wheat once in a while from homemade bread, things will still be OK. I’m shooting for an 80% avoidance rate of dairy, red meat, wheat, and soy.

Oh, I guess I should mention that I had my follow up for my lap surgery and I was quite upset when I left. I wasn’t able to see the RE, only a nurse who checked my incisions and told me that I have endo. WOW, thanks for that. I have to go back in two weeks to ask any questions, to see the pictures and get my first u/s post-op. I did some reading up on the meds used to control endo while I was in the RE’s waiting area. I want to steer VERY clear away from that. I’m going to beg and plead with the RE to not make me do it. I’m hoping to make a compromise. If I can truly control this with diet, the meds shouldn’t be necessary! I want to say, “Give me 6 months on this diet, if things don’t improve, slap me with the meds!” The only way to see if it comes back is to do another lap though so I don’t know how affective my bargaining skills will be. It’s still worth a shot.

Thanks again to all who prayed for me. I am truly blessed to call you all my friends.

Recovery:

“For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.” Psalms 62: 5-6 Man I love those verses!!!

I wasn’t sure if I should even write yet. I should wait until my follow up appt in two days but getting my thoughts out seems to really help me feel better. I’m healing. Physically, my only complaint is that I have a headache and pain in my shoulder due to the gas that was used during my surgery. My incisions (3 of them) are fine…a bit bruised and sore but are really quite fine. God’s hand was wrapped completely around me last Thursday. I felt every prayer and saw God work in people who took care of me. From beginning to end, everything went smoothly. The nurse that was assigned to me in the hospital was a true blessing. She was Miss Chatty Cathy and completely distracted me during my wait. She numbed my IV site so I felt nothing. She even hooked me up to a hot air vent thing that connected to my gown so I felt-and looked-like a toasty marshmallow. I’m not sure how I feel emotionally however. I’m still in a bit of shock at how much endometriosis I had. Apparently, it was everywhere. It was all removed (along with two ovarian cysts) but I don’t know how much longer I’ll have until it all comes back. Medication was mentioned as a way to control it. Now, I do not want to jump the gun and go into speculation as to what medication I’ll be on. I need to wait until my follow up. I have done more research on endo and something that seems to keep it away longer is a Gluten Free diet. No hormones, no wheat, as much organic foods as possible, no soy, and no eating or reheating foods in plastics. I have always had a love/hate relationship with food. I hate cooking. I hate how long it takes to make things the “real” way. I love junk food. I love fatty Hot Pockets, pizza rolls, pizza bagel bites, and generally any crap that isn’t healthy. I was never a big fan of fruits or veggies so this new diet will be a bit of a stretch but I am determined as ever to give it a try. It certainly can’t hurt me.

Here are some pictures of me before my surgery. I was given a room for people over 500 lbs. Here is the toilet to prove it!!! Have you ever seen anything like it??

Three days...

I’m trying to think of a nice way to say some things on my mind right now. As the famous quote says, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Well, I still want to say it. If my blog is too personal for you to handle, DON’T READ IT. It’s simple really. I’m not afraid to talk about what my body is doing and I’m not afraid to say how I’m feeling. If it bothers you, again I say, DON’T READ IT. It’s the truth and I’m not hiding anything anymore. I posted it on Facebook (with a pretty truthful disclaimer if I might say so myself) for the fact that I want people aware of what dealing with infertility is really like. It’s not pretty or glamorous and it’s not fun (and yes Uncle Chris, it’s kind of scary). I’m not going to pretend that the mother and father in the waiting room at the RE’s office today didn’t bother me. The fact that they had twins with them and were expecting triplets and were announcing it to the whole world DID bother me. I wanted to say, “Do you realize that the rest of us in the waiting room DON’T have beautiful children we can hold or gush about? My babies are in Heaven…” I had to fight back tears.

I’ve had two pre-op appts this week and I have pretty mixed emotions about the surgery coming up in three days. I’m having three procedures during the one surgery. WARNING: If you haven’t stopped reading this and you are one of the people that I was talking about above, you may want to stop reading now. I’m having a laparoscopy (scope through a small incision just below my belly button) to look at the outside of my uterus, tubes, bladder, and intestines. Then I’m going to have a hysteroscopy, where the scope goes inside my uterus and the doc will remove anything unusual he sees and do a biopsy. THEN I’m having a D&C. Yes, it’s the same thing I had when I had a miscarriage. Why the D&C? I don’t know. I guess it’s to completely clean me out. Since my last one, I haven’t been able to get pg so I’m a bit concerned about that. I can’t decide if I’m nervous or not yet. Maybe I will be when the day comes.

God is good and His will WILL be done.

It's getting on my "nerves"

I should re-title this blog to, "Faith and all of Angie's Medical Issues." I have nerve damage from getting my wisdom teeth out. (The consequence of waiting so long to have it done.) The prognosis was 3-6 months healing time. Lovely. I know pain. Been there, done that but this really takes the cake. Only two good things have come out of having my wisdom teeth taken out:

1. Dh moved in the extra TV into our bedroom so I could get reacquainted with the Gilmore Girls and
2. I've lost 5 lbs and I'm back at my goal weight of 115lbs. (that's what not eating does to me)

Onto a new subject...I thought I wouldn't even ovulate at all this month but to my surprise, I should be soon. I debated whether or not to go into deeper detail about how I know that, but for the men out there who read this, well, I think I may scare them off. I also debated whether or not to even TTC this cycle. I absolutely HATE that stage of "am I pg or am I not" right before I get af and this time, it will make my stress level even higher because of the lap surgery, which is right around the corner. I still haven't decided. If I did get pg I think I would be completely terrified that I would miscarry again because I *hadn't* had that surgery yet to check things out first. Though, my chances are so low of getting pg right now that it really shouldn't matter. All I do know is that it blows that my friends are getting pg and having beautiful babies and I can't join them. Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED for them but it's still hard at the same time.

Here’s just a quick update to let you all know that I’m not dead. I’m still dealing with pain/swelling/numbness from getting my wisdom teeth removed but I’m slowly getting better every day. It’s been tough. My teeth are shifting so much that it’s keeping me up at night. I go back to the oral surgeon in two days so I’ll see if things are healing the way they should. Seriously, the first day after surgery, I looked like Lexi right after she had been bit by a rattlesnake. At least the swelling is going down some (hopefully just in time for the Air Force Ball this weekend-so much for my steak dinner). Thank goodness I don’t have to ever get my wisdom teeth removed again!

Random thoughts through random paragraphs (no this won’t have any cohesiveness).

Why am I in so much pain? I think I know the answer but I’m waiting until my rheumatologist says it first. I can’t even scratch my legs these days or put lotion on my arms…Indy just has to rub up against me and I cry out. I can’t rest my arm or legs against something or it hurts. The fatigue is getting to me too. I am noticing a bit of a pattern to my pain though. After I ovulate, when my progesterone is the highest, my pain gets pretty bad. Stress and changes in my sleep patterns also effect it. These two weeks have been miserable. Sometimes I forget that my body is so sensitive to touch that I’ll lean against the counter only to flinch one second later from the pain.

I was really hoping that I was pg this month. (oh, wait, I think that’s every month) But getting pg this cycle would have been even sweeter. I wouldn’t have to do my IVP in two days (CT of my kidney’s with contrast dye through an IV), I wouldn’t have to get my wisdom teeth out next week, and I wouldn’t have to do the lap surgery in Oct. My boobs hurt so much this time around (I sneezed in the car and felt like my boobs had been hit by a two ton boulder) that I actually thought I was pg until I got another negative two days ago. I’m planning to test again on Friday before the IVP just to make sure.

You know what’s funny? Carrying a HUGE jug of urine for a mile through a parking lot to the doc clinic and having people stare at you is what’s funny. That’s what happened to me today. Want to have all eyes on you? Just carry a condensation wrapped, bright orange (though in a plastic Target bag), gallon sized, pee filled container into the lab. I have to collect my urine for 24 hrs once a year for my kidneys but seeing it next to the fruit cups in the refrigerator is still quite disturbing (poor Dh). Indy ran for cover as I had to shake it “for one timed minute” after each use. All I can say is that I’m glad that’s over!

Happy almost Labor Day everyone!

I’ve had my first RE appt in Arizona AND my second all in a week. I just don’t know how I feel about everything he’s proposing. The RE thinks I have endometriosis. He explained to me that both my old RE’s were pushing me too hard to get pg so he wants us to take a step back and figure out what’s causing the infertility and miscarriages. Makes sense to me but the only thing is is that figuring out if I have endo requires surgery. The RE is going to do laparoscopic surgery on my uterus and tubes on Oct. 8. If he finds endo, he’ll make two more incisions to scrape it all out. The RE firmly believes that once that is all taken care of, we should have no problem getting pg and carrying a baby to term. I’m skeptical at best. Dh is completely on board, however. When the RE did the u/s last week, he said my lining and uterus looked great and that it was possible that I was pg right now. Today’s u/s was just about identical except for the fact that I have a gallon of free fluid around my uterus again, which concerned him. Once again, endo was mentioned as the cause. Do I like this RE? I guess. Do I like the drive to Tucson? NO. This will be the last time I complain about the drive but I just have to get it out! The drive is TERRIBLE. I did Mountain Home to Boise and Lansing to Kansas City all relatively fine (45ish minutes each way) but Sierra Vista to Tucson is painful! I made it there in one hr and 20 minutes and one hr and 25 minutes home. Right now I’m just thankful that I don’t have to go to the RE again until Oct (unless I get spontaneously pg of course). I’m also happy that he told me that he would follow me through my first trimester if I did get pg. I know I’ve said this before, but having him follow me is the biggest reason for me going to an RE.

Dh and I watched “He’s Just not that into you” several weeks ago and we came to the same conclusion at about the same time. (I guess you’ll have to watch the movie to completely get what I’m trying to say.) I am the rule to infertility, not the exception. I’ve heard all the stories, “We adopted, and that’s when I got pregnant!” or “We stopped trying and that’s when I got pregnant!” Those are the exceptions…those kinds of things don’t happen to those of us who are the rule.

And one more thing. Why doesn’t Tricare pay for fertility treatments?? WHY? If someone had cancer, they would diagnose AND treat it. I have infertility. They will diagnose but not treat. It is a disease and something I can’t cure on my own! They will pay for meds (FSH drugs-$50/vial), every blood test that I get, and every u/s as long as we do timed intercourse but as soon as sperm is injected into my uterus by a doctor, everything has to be paid out of pocket. SAME DRUGS, SAME EXACT PROTOCOL but the sperm is washed and put into me through a catheter. That just REALLY bugs me. OK, rant over.

Some verses that get me through:
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” Psalms 37: 4 & 7a

Hallelujah! I finally got the referral for my new RE! OK, so it’s only been a week of waiting time but I think if I wouldn’t have gotten the other two already, I wouldn’t have been in such a panic. It never did post to the internet, but I got it in the mail today. I made the appt as soon as I saw the paper and my consult is next week!!! The only thing that sucks is that Dh can’t go AND I have to get a vaginal u/s done by a man. It actually gives me a bit of the creeps just thinking about it (I haven’t had one in 3 months!). I prefer a woman doc but there isn’t a female RE in Tucson. Normally, I will only see this male doc for an actual IVF procedure and the water u/s but I get the pleasure (ha! Not exactly the right word…) of getting a routine u/s from him next week. I’m going to be extremely uncomfortable. Yeah yeah, I KNOW he’s seen it all and what’s one vag vs. another but still! It’s MY vag he’s going to be seeing!

I still don’t have my records from KS yet and when I called about a month ago, no one even answered the phone. I’ve left messages but no one ever called me back. FINALLY, today I got a hold of someone. She assured me that she would look into it. I gave her the fax number to my new RE and she said she would call as soon as it faxed. Uh huh…we’ll see if that actually happens. That does make me wonder then if I will be getting a copy of them in the mail…if/when she calls, I’m going to ask again for a copy.

Ahhh, I feel so much better. I was lying awake last night thinking about what I’d have to do if the referral didn’t go through. I know worry will get me nowhere, especially when I should be trusting in the Lord. Another lesson learned. God has it all figured out! There is a plan and a purpose. I wish I could just remember that!

Alright, here is something funny. I just HAD to take a pic of this bruise (in the pic it is over a week old) but it is so gross! When I first noticed it, it was 95% black 5% purple (at least now it's turning green). What's funny is that I have NO idea how I got it!!! None!!

Sweet! I got all three of the referrals that I wanted AND it wasn’t even the slightest problem for any of them. I barely had to plead my case. I went in armed with statistics from the CDC for both the RE’s in Tucson and knew exactly which one I wanted to go to. Here are some stats based on IVF success rates in 2006:

National averages from 80,313 IVF transfers: 35% pregnancy rate; 32% live birth rate

RE #1 (going by web site appearance and feel, I liked this one): out of 56 cycles they had a 25% pregnancy rate and a 23.2% live birth rate

RE #2: out of 124 cycles, they had a 53% pregnancy rate and a 46% live birth rate

Gee, which one would YOU choose? My RE in Idaho had a little better live birth rate than RE #2 but Kansas was worse. I had no problem getting a referral for the second one (and surprisingly they are in my insurance network) but it has not yet been approved by my insurance. The other two referrals WERE approved and I already made appointments for them. The first available appt for rheumatology was NOV 30! That is just ridiculous in my opinion so I opted to see someone other than an attending. By doing so, I got an appt for Oct 12. Nephrology however, is completely opposite. I got an appt one week from today. Go figure.

Here is something else I found very interesting from the CDC report:

“In 2006, 70,428 ART cycles were performed among women who had not previously given birth. However, about 27% of those cycles were reported by women with one or more previous pregnancies that had ended in miscarriage — we do not have information on whether these pregnancies ending in miscarriage were the result of ART or were conceived naturally. In all age groups, women who had a previous miscarriage were as likely to have a live birth as women who had never been pregnant. Thus, a history of unsuccessful pregnancy does not appear to be associated with lower chances for success during ART.”

(ART stands for Assisted Reproductive Technology)

I’m obviously a little more at ease about the fact that even with my two miscarriages, I’m just as likely to have a live birth just as someone who hasn’t had a miscarriage can through IVF. Amen to that!

Changes

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog! I guess not having a computer will cause that though.

So finding a church in a new town isn’t much fun. Actually, I don’t enjoy it at all. I’m a bit on the anti-social side and don’t much care for small talk and church searching has an uncanny way of making me feel uncomfortable. Anyway, for the past two weeks, we’ve been to Calvary Chapel, a non-denomination church. 1500 people with four weekend services is a bit different than what we’re used to as when we lived in Kansas, the church we attended only had 125 people and one service. It’s not bad, it’s just different. Last week as we were beginning to get into the message, Pastor Pat started by asking us, “What is your passion?” Now, as a person who’s gone to church all of my life, that’s not an unusual question and something I’ve been asked a lot. For once I was truthful, so in my mind I thought, “My passion lately has been about starting a family and wanting to raise up Godly children for the Lord.” As I was finishing my thought, the pastor said, “I see a lot of young couples out there who are probably ready and want to start a family. You probably want to raise up Godly kids in a Godly home and teach them the way of Christ.” Whoa…did he just say that?? Was the guy reading my mind?? He then went on, “While that’s all well and good, your passion needs to be Christ and Him alone.” SMACK. God gave me a good spanking that day and it was exactly what I needed. Look, I know the “right” things to say when it comes to church/God but I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself for quite a while. I’ve known since I was five who and what my passion should be and I would even think the “right” answer if a pastor asked “What is your passion?” But for a while now, I deceived myself into thinking that because I truly do want Godly, Christ serving children that it would be OK that Christ himself wasn’t number one. I was dead wrong. While it’s almost impossible for me to not to think about having kids (like, when I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw twin girls helping their mom, I got all choked up thinking that I may never have that) I’m pretty content right now. Maybe it’s the break from meds? Maybe it’s the prayers? Whatever is it, I firmly believe that God is in the middle of this and His timing is perfect. Now, I’m not perfect and I get angry about it (A LOT) but I finally see my focus changing. I’ve settled into a routine at home with a renewed prayer life and quiet time. God and I are getting to know each other again.

I don’t plan on working, at least not for a while. I think it’s good that most old people are retired when their body starts failing them. I don’t see how anyone can work with so many doctor appointments all the time. Seriously! On Monday I have my first official appt with my PCM. My goal is to get three referrals out of her. I hope I get one for a nephrologist (kidney guy), one for an RE, and one for a rheumatologist. Oh, and I want (well, not really want, more like need) to get my wisdom teeth pulled soon too (I was told to do it 8 years ago, and every other time I see a dentist). So you see, working just really complicates things. :)

Hopefully, I’ll update again soon.

There really isn’t much to report. We’ve successfully moved to Arizona and it’s better than I thought it would be. Of course, Dh hasn’t started his job yet so that might have something to do with it.

I’ve been involved with a web site called Fertility Friend since September 2006. In October 2007, a bunch of the members started a buddy group for us girls who are using an RE to get pregnant. I can’t remember how many of us there were in the beginning but sadly, I am now the only one who hasn’t had a successful pregnancy. All I can do is sigh.

I did ovulate, which is good but I think I have at least one cyst. I’ve been hurting for about a week which is exactly what happened the last time I had cysts (6 of them actually). It’s frustrating to say the least. I’m 5DPO today and I have zero hope for this cycle. This is all just getting insane.

Boy was this short and sweet. :)

I’ve come to the conclusion that TTC sucks. Well, it does. This cycle wasn’t as bad emotionally as some of the past ones though. I got the same negative pregnancy test that I have for a million years and it didn’t shake me up too much this time around. Thank you to all who have been praying for us. I’m sure that’s what has kept me from going off the deep end. We’re going to be taking a break from meds for a couple months because of moving (and yes, I’m procrastinating getting moving stuff done right now actually). I get to go through the referral process all over again which means I have to get an appt with my primary care doc then find an RE and get a consult, which by the way, takes for-stinkin’-ever. I still don’t have my records from this RE and frankly, I don’t care. Hopefully they make it to AZ someday but right now I’m content NOT seeing an RE for a while. The 100 mile trek to Tucson three times a week freaks me out a bit as does the logistics of shots and timing IVF with Dh’s work schedule. Ekk, I don’t even want to think about it yet. I’ll take my two months of “rest” thank you.

This time moving seems somewhat less complicated than a year ago. IVF really messed things up last time. For those of you who don’t know the story, I feel like sharing it right now. If you know it, you can skip to the end and just look at the pictures.

I was heading into my forth cycle of doing IUI (Intrauterine insemination) and I started feeling ovulation pains on CD6. When I went into my CD8 u/s I had 20 follicles between 14-16mm each. I was glad to know that my pain was justified but I was not expecting 20 follicles! I was just hoping for two. The previous three cycles I only produced one follicle each time. I literally had 10 minutes to decide if we (Dh and I that is) wanted to do IVF or cancel the entire cycle. In a panic, I was on the phone trying to talk to Dh at work (who I think was in a meeting) to figure out what to do. After we agreed to proceed, my meds were quadrupled and I had to do injections to stop me from ovulating on my own. My egg retrieval surgery was scheduled 6 days before we physically drove out of Idaho. What in the world was I thinking?? The actual surgery wasn’t too bad. They took out 20 follicles and 17 of them contained eggs. Of those 17, 12 fertilized but only five survived to be implanted back into me. I had three embryos put back in three days after my surgery and had the other two frozen for later use. I had to be on bed rest for 3 days after the implantation all while watching movers pack up my house from my inflatable bed. Yeah, boy was that fun…Ahh the sound of packing tape in the morning. My wonderful, dear mother came out to help and to drive me from Idaho to Kansas since I was so sick from the meds that I could barely sit up. Oh and did I mention that my husband had to go to Vegas the entire time? Looking back, I should have cancelled the cycle to take off the stress and kept the money for an IVF cycle that didn’t involve moving across the country. To think that I want to do it all over again once we move is daunting but I know it’s our best (and possibly last) chance at having a child biologically.

Here is a picture of our two beautiful babies right before the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) 8 days past conception:

And a picture of my medicine box. I know you can't really see how big it is but I tried! (It's about 1 1/2 feet tall!)

I feel like a lot has happened since Mother’s Day. For starters, my body responded poorly to meds this time around (Cycle #30) and it was frustrating. I guess I was just thinking that things were going to go as smoothly as they did the previous cycle but they did the opposite. On my CD8 u/s, I had 5 follies that were around 10-11mm and then on CD10, they were EXACTLY the same. No growth at all. I had to go back in CD12 and only one had grown to 16mm. I had one more u/s on CD14 and finally I had one that was a 22mm. (By the way, I felt like a freakin’ pin cushion with all the b/w I had to do.) My lining stayed exactly at 9mm the entire time. That’s not normal for me. I guess I learned that every cycle is different, no matter if I do the same protocol or not. I did 12 days of Menopur and only got 1 egg out of it. I can’t help but think that I could have done that on my own but I guess this way we know exactly when to bd (bd stands for “baby dancing” i.e. SEX.).

During those all those ultrasounds, I started getting UTI like symptoms (I actually thought I was developing an allergy to the u/s gel). Well, mostly I just felt like I needed to pee all the time. My RE did a culture of my urine and couldn’t find an infection. That was almost 2 weeks ago and I still can’t shake the feelings and it’s getting worse (burning when I go now) when I thought it might have been getting better. I had a kidney stone attack exactly a week ago so it made me think that my bladder issues were caused by my kidneys but I don’t see how this couldn’t be an infection! Since I’m in Minnesota and can’t get to see my regular doc, I’m waiting for the urgent care to open so I can take care of this. The last thing I need is for the infection to travel to my kidneys or something. No thank you.

I can take a pg test in about a week but in all honesty, I think this cycle was a waste of time. Can’t hurt to try I guess.

I’ll let ya’ll know what happens…

*sigh* Mother's Day

I’ve had some pretty bad days in my life. (Haven’t we all?) Sunday was one to add to my collection. I had been dreading Mother’s Day for a while so when the actual day came, I was surprised when I was fine and unemotional about it. It wasn’t until church that I completely lost it. Like I said, things started out well but when it was time to greet each other, I was asked if I was a mother yet. I politely said no and the lady said, “You will be one day.” Oh the responses I fought back! I know she didn’t mean anything by it but it instantly brought tears to my eyes. From that point on, Dh did a pretty good job of shielding me from any other questions. I sure love that man. The sermon was great but little did I know that I wasn’t off the hook yet. As we were praying, kids filed out to sing to their moms. SHOOT ME. Don’t get me wrong here. It was precious and sweet and I wouldn’t want anything more for my own Mother’s Day but those of us who desperately want to have children and can't, well, it’s unbelievably painful. (Not to mention that it’s probably painful for those who have lost children or lost mothers. I don’t think I would have ever thought to think about that until going through my own struggles though. Interesting thought.) When they were singing, I thought to myself, “Well, at least they didn’t hand out flowers! But, when they were done, they did exactly that. They handed out flowers to all the mothers and I got one too. I tried my very best to smile and say thank you but I’m not sure if I did. In their defense, they don’t know who is a mom and who isn’t, but I still wanted to crawl under the pews. We were planning on going to the pot luck after church but immediately walking out the doors, the tears started flowing and I couldn’t stop them. I don’t want to give my church a bad name (I love my church!!!) but I don’t think I’ll ever go to church on Mother’s Day again (unless of course, I’m a mother).

I had my baseline u/s today and I was secretly hoping that I had cysts so the cycle wouldn’t continue. (Hey, I had travel plans but uh, if we’re doing a medicated cycle, I kind of have to be attached to Dh for the next two weeks so all of my plans get thrown out the window…) The blood draw hurt like crazy and actually, so did the u/s. All looked normal though and I was cleared for injections. (And yes, I have fluid behind my uterus again…) Our protocol is the same as last time (just hopefully without the kidney stones!!!) with double meds in the beginning and then tapering off by the end.

We’ll see what happens.

Confused:

I’m not pregnant. No good way to write it. I took a test this morning and it was negative. The progesterone certainly did a good job with making me feel like I could be though. I have two pills left so I’ll finish them out and hopefully get AF. I’ve got some decisions to make about the next cycle and I’m struggling with what to do.

Meds or no meds? I don’t want to do this anymore but I know it will give us the best chance of conceiving. The problem is that we’re moving in 6 weeks. If I did happen to get pregnant next cycle, I wouldn’t be able to be monitored and that to me is the biggest reason to use an RE. Chances are that it won’t matter, but I still think about it. After we move, the closest RE will be 100 miles away. 100! I should probably get in as many cycles as I can here before I get stuck with that drive. I’m just not sure what to do.

We are now deciding between donor eggs or donor embryos or doing IVF again once we move. All of those options have pros and cons and the decision will not be made lightly but what we’re doing isn’t working. I wish that I could get pregnant like they do in the movies or on a soap opera. Have sex, get pregnant. What a concept!

I take great comfort in these verses: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matt 11: 28-29.

Thank you again to all who follow this blog!!! Your encouragement has kept me going!

I have a lot of thoughts tonight but I can’t seem to get them all out the way I want to. I guess I’ll try anyway.

My fertility prayers have changed some. Yes, I’m still asking God to give us a child-or that He would change my desires for children- but my heart has been one of thanksgiving. Yes, I have infertility problems and they can cause pain both physically and mentally but I have been so richly blessed in other ways. I do not want to lose sight of that. I have both of my arms and legs, I have my sight and I can hear. We are sitting comfortably with a nice house and nice things. I know people can live a full and happy life without each of those, but I should be praising God for the things I *do* have and not dwell so much on the things (uh, children) that I don’t. It’s a struggle but one I’m working through. I’m not going to lie and say that it’s easy to see people with babies or coach the kids at work. It’s hard. In one class that I teach, four of the five mothers are pregnant. The conversation inevitably goes to babies and their pregnancy symptoms and 9 times out of 10, I get asked if I have children or if I want children. (The kids I work with also ask me those types of things.) Sometimes I can respond easily, other times, it’s all I can do to fight back the tears. Sometimes I’ll say, “Oh, we’ve only been married three years…” Other times, “I hope we can have some in the future.” I know people are just trying to make conversation, or at least trying to make me a PART of the conversation, but I’d rather they didn’t ask anything at all. I certainly don’t want to go around wearing a t-shirt saying, “INFERTILITY SUCKS” but I really, REALLY hate all the questions. It’s a part of life (especially when I’m a part of the military) I get that, but it still stings even after the billionth time I get asked.

I went in for my CD8 u/s and my lining was already between 9-10mm! I also had several follicles around 13-14mm. Remember my last inject cycle? I started out at a 5.5mm on the same CD and had a bunch of 10mm follies. Not the case this time! They had me come back in on CD10 (just two days later!) and my lining was a 13 (the best I’ve ever had!) and I had one follicle at 16mm and another one at 22mm! They were perfectly shaped and perfectly positioned. I got to trigger that night which released both follies. My nurse called me and told me to go ahead and start vaginal progesterone suppositories this time because things looked so promising. Let me just say a word about this type of progesterone. It sucks. I guess from Dh’s view point he isn’t having to shoot me in the bum with an IM needle with thick oil…but I leak. Oh boy do I. It’s SICK. A second negative to being on progesterone is that I *have* to take a pregnancy test in order to stop it. If the pg test is negative, I stop the progesterone and I should get AF 2-3 days later. If I get a positive, I stay on it for 10 more weeks. Yes, weeks. A third negative is that progesterone mimics pregnancy symptoms. I get sore boobs, my temps stay elevated, and I get moody. Of course being on progesterone is worth it but still so very disgusting.

Eight days until I test…

What a weekend!

Oh boy has it been a long weekend. Thank goodness it’s Sunday!

I was about to go back to work on Thursday night (one of my lovely split shift days) when I got a nasty pain in my back. I thought maybe I was having muscle issues and tried to shake it off. When it didn’t go away, Dh decided that he should drive me to work since I was hobbling around on one foot. (Putting pressure on my left foot HURT my back!!!) By the time we drove the 20 minutes to work, I was in so much pain, I had to throw myself onto the pavement and vomit. Dh ran inside to find a mom who was also a nurse (and looking back now, we should have just gone straight to the ER…duh!) while I pitifully rocked myself back and forth, trying my best not to puke anymore. (All the while, people were standing right behind me smoking and having a carefree conversation, when someone finally said, “Oh, is she OK?”). We jumped back in the car and headed to the closest hospital. When we got to the ER, it was packed. I couldn’t do anything but lie on the floor, moan, and throw up in the nearest trash can while Dh was getting more upset by the minute because no one would give me a second look. FINALLY, what felt like forever, I was taken back. I wasn’t hooked up to pain meds right away even though I was insisting at that point. I knew I had a kidney stone as this was close to the same pain I had felt before two years ago when I had several kidney stones on my right side. When I explained that I have Medullary Sponge Kidney Disease to every nurse and doc who talked to me, all I got were blank stares. “I’m prone to kidney stones and I’m dying so give me drugs!!” is what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I finally got Demorel and a CT and it confirmed that I had two stones on my left side. No surprise. What was a surprise was that the doc wanted to keep me overnight in the hospital. At first I politely said no thanks, but I’m very glad he convinced me to stay. On Friday morning at 2:30am I began throwing up again. This time things didn’t look “normal” and suspicions were that I had a GI bleed. My kidney had been through a lot and wasn’t healing properly.

I was discharged from the hospital about noon on Friday (without being able to eat or drink a single thing the entire time I was there and it seriously messed me up) and I felt like crap the rest of the day. Dh had to leave town for a wedding so I was left with the two most annoying dogs on the planet. While I love them dearly, I could have killed them. I tried going to work on Saturday but ended up leaving early because I felt so rotten. I couldn’t hold any food or water down! Finally today, I’m able to sit up long enough to write this. I almost put myself back in the hospital last night because I couldn’t even eat crackers without vomiting. Grape juice and Oxycodone have become life savers.

Oh, I guess I should back up another day and say that I passed my baseline u/s on Wednesday!!! My RE finally called me back and I got in right away for blood work and a u/s. I was cleared for injections! I have fluid sitting behind my uterus but I don’t have any cysts!!! I did end up missing my second dose of Menopur being as though I was in the hospital and all and I’m not sure how that is going to affect things. I guess we’ll see at my next appt, TOMORROW.

AND, since Dh was out of town, that meant that *I* had to give MYSELF the injection yesterday. We’ve been doing shots for over a year now and I still haven’t been able to even look at the needle before he gives me the shot. About a month ago, I found a sweet little thing at Wal-Mart called, Alcohol Wipes with Pain Reliever. (Where have you been all my life!? Who ever invented those should win an award…) After rubbing myself with the swab twice, my good friend counted me down on the phone. I wanted to pass out! I was shaking so much that I thought I’d miss my mark! I’ve always just had this thing, you know, about stabbing myself with a pointy object and making myself bleed…just can’t do it. But I did! I didn’t even feel the poke! In the end, I made myself bruise far worse than Dh ever has but now I know I can do it when he’s not around.

One of these days I'll figure out how to post the pictures I took of my medicine box so you all can see it...I find it quite funny. :)

And once again, I’m not pregnant. Am I surprised? No. Disappointed? Yes. I had hope for the first time in a long time. I did end up taking a pg test on 10DPO and it was negative so I basically wasted a test and should have just waited for my temp to go down. I only had ONE sore boob, two days of low temps and then AF. That’s a classic Angie cycle (only this time with unusually high temps early on.)

I’m really frustrated with my RE here in KS. Actually, I’m just plain irritated. My problems started when I had my first procedure with them. I had to re-do my water u/s (a water u/s is basically when a doc pushes saline into my uterus through a catheter to see if I have any uterine abnormalities and to get a feeling as to where to put the embryos) and I felt as though I was being raped, no joke…even though I’ve never been raped, I bet it would feel just like that. I bled and cried all the way home. Even when I complained of pain and was writhing on the table, the nurse had the audacity to say, “Well, some hurt more than others.” WHAT?!? Did they not see that I was dying!? I didn’t have any problems when the RE did it in Idaho! Anyway, I should have just gone somewhere else but my beautiful embryos were already there and the thought of shipping them to another clinic and then having to re-do my water u/s for a third time made me stay put.

I technically started AF on Easter, called my RE on Monday morning and left a message. I didn’t hear back from them. I called again this morning and they STILL haven’t called. Maybe they are taking the week off or something? Would it be so hard to let me know that though? It’s not the first time they haven’t called back in the timeliest of fashions but come on! I HAVE to schedule my baseline u/s before it’s too late or we’ll have to scrap this cycle too. Well, actually it’s too late now but once again I have this thing called HOPE. I just want to be able to get one more cycle in before we move (and NOT have happen what happened right before the last time we moved). Bring on the injections! Dh actually suggested we do the injections anyway, on our own, but as much as I want children, I don’t want 8 at one time…

Here’s just a brief update of what’s happened in the last month. Dh and I hit two pretty big milestones the beginning of April. First, it was our third wedding anniversary! (That's the longest either of us has been married! HA!) And next, we officially have been ttc our 1st baby for three years. Since we waited until our wedding night to have sex we decided to not use protection and let God decide when He wanted us to have kids. We sure didn't think it would be over three years! Sometimes the thought of ttc for three years is painful, other times (like right now) it isn’t so bad. Many people try for more than three years and I have to remind myself that I CAN and HAVE gotten pregnant before so I know I can again.

My hormones have finally gotten back to where they need to be with my estrogen moderate and now my progesterone high. YES! I ovulated!!! It happened about two weeks later than “normal” but I’m just happy to see things getting back on track. I *should* (no cysts willing) be starting injections within a week. Well, I have to pass that dreaded baseline u/s as soon as I start AF but I’m feeling confident that I will.

I guess I technically could be pregnant right now. Our timing was really good and my ovulation chart is one of the best I've ever had. Now, in saying that, I've gotten about 20 VERY pretty charts and they didn't result in a pregnancy. I want so badly to have hope that my 1% chance of natural conception did happen, but I'm trying to keep my head and heart firmly on the ground. Earlier in the week I was willing and pleading with myself not to continue taking my bbt because I'm not sure I can take the heartbreak of a bad/low temp. Crazy I know. I could take a pregnancy test tomorrow...will I? I can't bring myself to see another negative so probably not. I'm going to try to hold out for as long as I can or until my temp takes a nose dive.

Oh, I see that I have three followers now! I feel so blessed!!! Thank you!

Until next time…

Sad and mad rolled into one

I don’t even know where to start…

I know my body VERY well. I know my non-pregnancy signs. For example: Anytime I don’t have sore boobs or when only one is sore, I’m not pregnant. When I get sore boobs before 7 DPO, I’m not pregnant. When my temp drops for more than two days in a row, I’m not pregnant. You get the point. For some reason, I do OK with crappy outcomes when I know they are coming. Take this cycle for example. I knew very early on that I wasn’t pregnant. I was actually feeling good about getting on to the next month, starting treatments again and not dwelling on the fact that once again, I wasn’t preggo. And then came my u/s appt today.

I had several “firsts” for my Kansas RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) appt today. 1.) This was my first time to have an appt on a Saturday. 2.) This was my first time ever getting to deal directly with an R.N and not just a tech. 3) This was the first time that I didn’t pass my baseline u/s.

I’m required to do an u/s on CD2 (CD stands for cycle day, by the way) every blasted cycle to make sure my lining is thinning the way it should and to see if my ovaries have returned to their normal size. (Up until now, I’ve always thought that the baseline u/s’s were stupid and a waste of my time and money.) As I was lying on my back with my feet in the stirrups and all, my nurse said, “Wow, your bladder sure is full!” Uh, I had JUST gone to the bathroom…She then says, “Oh, that’s not your bladder, that’s a huge cyst.” More fluid. Tons more fluid in fact. I’m going to explain this the way my nurse did: I was told that I had pushed out 6 eggs out of 6 follicles but that the fluid surrounding my eggs didn’t go anywhere. The cyst on my left side is 48mm across. That’s unheard of! It took up the whole u/s screen! No wonder I was in so much pain!!! It all makes sense. The u/s showed that I have 3 cysts on my right side and 3 on my left (that includes the “bladder” looking one.) Want more sad news? I can’t do any meds this cycle. I have to wait at least a month for the cysts to go away before I can go back to the injections. At the doc’s office, I took the news better than I thought I could but when I got home, I broke down. My mind just goes and goes and I can’t stop it. One more cycle down the drain, and it has just started.

I asked the nurse specifically if we could still ttc (try to conceive) this cycle without meds and she told me that there was a small chance I could still ovulate on my own. Yeah right. What, do you mean that I have only a 1% chance of conceiving vs. my whopping 5% normally? I had 6 stinkin’ targets (uh, I mean eggs) for dh’s boys to hit. Not even ONE fertilized. What’s wrong what that picture!? As I calculated it out, because I have to sit out the next cycle, I will no longer be able to have a child in the year 2009. You’re probably thinking that I shouldn’t think about that or be so negative, right? I HAVE to be realistic and to be realistic means that I’m just not thinking happy, fluffy thoughts anymore. God doesn't have to allow us to have biological children. He doesn't even have to allow us to have any children at all. I'm tired of hearing that it will one day happen. It may not and I'm praying and asking God to help me deal with that real yet sad fact. While I desperately want it to, God has His own timing and agenda for our family. I’m tired of getting my hopes up every cycle only to have it crash in around me. It’s easier just to think that it won’t happen because chances are…that it won’t.

Wow, it sure does help to vent...

Temps gone wild!

This is my 27th cycle that I’ve charted/recorded (that number is without miscarriages and the FET time). Now, I don’t take my bbt (basil body temperature) every cycle and to be honest, it’s been 8 months since I’ve been consistent with it. When I do temp, I usually start on CD10 and temp until ovulation has been confirmed. Well, my temps have gone crazy. I’ve never had pre-ovulation temps in the 2ww…until now. My charts are normally scarily predictable with my pre-o temps hovering around 97F and post-o temps around 98F. You may not think that one degree is much difference but it really is! In the past, I could clearly see the ovulation pattern. (Dh actually finds the graphs quite interesting.) This time, however my chart is wacked. I know that the trigger shot can cause some problems but this is ridiculous. Even though I’m around 10 days past ovulation (DPO), I’m 95% confident that I’m not pregnant. (A sensitive home pregnancy test-hpt- can be taken now but I’m not going to waste one for this cycle.) I only have a couple more days of freedom before I start all over again…

Raging Hormones!

Do you ever find yourself tearing up as you watch young siblings interact, sharing toys with each other or playing a made up game that only they understand? I do. How about when you walk by a sweet baby in a car seat and he looks up, sees you smiling at him and he smiles right back at you… Yeah, so maybe I’m the only one. Some days I find myself on the verge of crying (happy tears, of course) just watching the little ones explore the gym where I work. What are they thinking? What is it like seeing a 30 foot trampoline for the first time or swinging on a bar made just the right size for them? Maybe that’s weird to you that I cry about such “normal” and seemingly “silly” things but I find pure happiness just watching toddlers play and seeing them laugh. (And seriously, three year olds say some pretty witty, outrageous, and hilarious things!) Alright, maybe my hormones have a little something to do with it. The point is that I want to be a mom. Whether I become a mom with my own eggs or by someone else’s, I am determined to keep trying.

And the 2ww continues...

I am blown away by the people who have responded to this blog. You all have no idea how much it means to me that you would read this. (And that many of you continue to check up on me!!) I know a lot of you didn’t really know that all of this was going on so to hear your sweet words of encouragement just makes me so humble and so proud to call you my friends.

Dh and I are doing a bible study on Wednesdays and this week’s lesson knocked me on my butt. I have internal battles (moments where I think that life will be fine without children and other times I can’t even imagine it) about having children and the study reminded me how selfish I was and still can be about it. (“I want kids and I want them NOW!”) My heart’s desire is to have children, there is no denying that, but I don’t want it to consume me and I don’t want to push it more than I should with all these fertility treatments. A year ago, I may not have been able to handle throwing a baby shower or working with all the babies and pregnant moms at my job. I’ve been able to take a step back and let God take the reins. My fear though is that I will fall back to that pattern. Prayer IS the work.

Pain update: Finally today, I feel better. It has taken just about two weeks to feel somewhat normal again. I still get a pinch on my left side when I walk but it’s nothing that I can’t live with. At least it’s getting better and not worse.

PAIN

As of today, I am needle free! Too bad I’m not pain free too. I wish I could explain the pain. It started on Wednesday evening but really started to get bad by Friday afternoon. I was given the OK to do my trigger shot (HCG injection) last night so I thought the pain would lessen. It hasn’t. I get stabbing pain when I walk, sit or stand quickly. When I sneeze I feel like my ovaries might fall out. Here are my three possible explanations for this. 1.) I have gallons of free fluid floating around in my abdomen. 2.) My many follicles are smashed together and have no where to go so they are pushing against my organs. 3.) I have bunches of follicles that are smashed together and gallons of free fluid floating around.

At my last u/s for this cycle, the tech said I have two decent sized follicles (around 15-16mm) on my left side and 2 decent follicles on my right (with 4-6 smallish ones on the left too). Personally, I think they are still too small. My doctor said that we could still proceed with the cycle only if I knew the risks of having a multiple pregnancy. Sure, I do but seriously, what are the chances of that, really…Want some statistics? I only have a 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally. What that really means is that I have a 90-95% chance of NOT conceiving on any given cycle. That sounds just plain awful. By doing the meds that I am, my chances go up to 20% to have a baby. Of that 20%, I have an 11% of having a singleton, 6% of having twins and a 3% chance of having triplets or more. On my IVF cycle I was given a 60% chance of conceiving a singleton. And seeing as how that didn’t work, I don’t see it working this time either. While I’m not meaning to be negative, I just can’t help it at this point. One thing I can be happy about is my lining. It was at a solid 11mm on Friday. That’s the second best lining I’ve ever had.

I should ovulate this weekend and then I enter the dreaded two week wait (2ww). Let the baby making begin!

Too many needles, part 2!

When I was the in the first grade I was having an unusual amount of headaches. My mom decided it was time to take me to the doctor to have it checked out. I remember the doctor breaking the news and telling me I needed some blood work done. I balled my little eyes out. I had to calm myself down in the bathroom before going back in the exam room to get my blood drawn. Later that night my family went to church where I held my arm the entire time (even though I was past the pain) showing everyone my needle mark when they asked what was wrong. Anticipation and fear of needles started early with me. I still get nervous when I know a needle is coming.

Today’s doc appointment wasn't good. On Monday I was told to double my medication, which really made no sense to me because of the amount of follies I have. I did what I was told and had another u/s this morning. I still have too many follies but they aren’t growing all that quickly. The doctor is expecting one to take the lead soon, which then at that point the others will stop growing. None are over 12mm but my lining is up to 6.5mm, which is getting better. Then came the dreaded blood work…

My left arm’s inner vein gets the brunt of poking when it comes to blood draws. The last two times are not the exception. I walked into the lab and showed the nurse my arm and she agreed we couldn’t use that vein this time. (I’ve got a pretty green-and big- bruise on the “favorite” vein.) She stuck me in a vein to the left and no blood came out. NONE…not even a drop. The nurse dug around for a minute and gave up. She did the same thing in my right arm. (Poke, dug, gave up) Again, not a drop of blood came out. How is that even possible!? Then I got the bad news. She had to stick me in my left hand. I’ve had some seriously bad experiences with needles in my hand and I was NOT happy about it. It worked but not without bruising and pain. I’ve had 14 needle sticks in the past 7 days. For someone who isn’t diabetic or doing IVF or IUI’s this is just insane. From my first ever blood draw until now, who would have thought I’d volunteer for this many shots, blood draws and IV’s... and all for the sake of having biological children. I’m not sure I can last much longer.

Too many needles!

I have an arsenal of needles. I really do. I was organizing my fertility meds box (and the fact that I have a box, which is oh, about a foot and a half high by a foot and a half wide, that actually needs organizing is just nuts) and I saw that I have more needles and syringes than any one person needs. I think I have every size and gauge available. Subcutaneous, Intramuscular, 22 and 18 gauge. Too bad I can’t sell them for a profit to pay for all the meds I’m on.

I had my first u/s for this cycle last week. Once again I have fluid in my belly. Where does this stuff come from and what the heck is it? My doctor no longer seems concerned about it so as long as it doesn’t get painful, I won’t worry about it either. I started the Menopur the same night and since it has been about a year since I’ve used the stuff, it took exceptionally long to mix and inject. We learned the hard way that you shouldn’t suck up the liquid with the same needle that you get stuck with. It hurts, a lot. We’ve since remedied the situation and while it still isn’t a pleasant experience (and it probably never will) to get a shot in the stomach, I can handle it…and so can dh.

Today was my CD8 u/s. The fact that the tech had to ask if I was doing IVF this cycle scared me a bit. I have too many follicles already. Granted, I’m being a bit of a renegade and doing things MY way this time around but I don’t think it caused me to have 10 follicles all around the 10mm mark. I’m only doing 75iu of Menopur a day! Someone doing IVF would be on a lot more iu and could have the same 10 follicles. Alright, so we’ve established that my ovaries responds well to stimulation and I’m a good candidate for IVF but that doesn’t mean I want to do it again anytime soon!

So far my lining is only at 5.5mm. It has a ways to go before being suitable for implantation. I’m now waiting on a call from my nurse. Always waiting…One thing I’m definitely learning is how to be patient. Was that God’s intention or just an effect of infertility? We may never know.

Update:

OK, so it's been painfully long since I last wrote on this thing. I'm not even sure why I decided to write again. To actually think that I would be pregnant and on the way to motherhood because of the FET was a joke. Here are the highlights from the past two months:

I finally got to go through with the FET on Dec 16, which happened to be the most perfect day to have it done. I was off work for 3 weeks (plenty of time to rest and let my body create life!) and my ovaries finally decided to shape up (fluid free!) I did a week of PIO (Progesterone in Oil) in my tush before the actual procedure. The needle for that med was INSANE! My bum is still bruised and that was 2 months ago! Poor dh...he squirmed every time he had to watch that needle disappear inside me. I guess I'm glad I never saw it coming even though I couldn't help but jump every single time! I took a hpt in Texas on Christmas eve. It was POSITIVE!!! I took another one on Christmas Day and it was still positive but sadly less so. I knew something wasn't right at that point. The next day I took one more and it was no longer positive. I had a beta blood test that next Monday and it was negative. Crushed. Devastated.

I know that people were praying for a successful outcome. The disappointment is still there but I know that God heard those prayers and answered them in a far different way that I was expecting. I feel at ease, a weird calm even. I'm not stressed about not having children. Although, I did come to a sad realization that I had never pictured our family without children until recently. I was thinking of dh's retirement and where I saw us living...I had to preempt the thought with, "If we have children..." and couldn't automatically assume we would have any by that time (only 7 1/2 more years until retirement...but who's counting?).

Dh and I decided to keep doing fertility meds but no IUI's or IVF until after we move. (NO we still don't know where we are going...in five months.) We're going back to the way baby making is supposed to be! (With the help of Menopur of course.) I should start injections again in 2 days and can't wait to have all those vag ultrasounds and blood work done...wahoo. I know that in the end it will be all worth the pain and discomfort to hold a baby in my arms. One day at a time, one prayer at a time.